It is the most mundane way to start an announcement, one you've heard countless times and one I've said countless times. Its purpose is not to educate, to cajole, to convince or persuade, to be confrontational or challenging, but rather merely to be administrative. I've used it in London, in Dallas, in Miami, and you've heard it in New York, in Chicago, in Boston. And even though it is said with no malice nor disrespect, I have to teach myself to stop doing it. For it seems that while I certainly don't want to offend anyone or make them feel like they don't fit in, it seems that I might be doing just that.
Let me say unequivocally I don't care who you are or what you are. Until you do something to change the circumstances on the ground, you deserve to be treated with respect by me and by anyone with whom you come in contact. At the top of that list is being identified as you wish. Whether that is by the formal name your mother gave you, or by a nickname you've adopted or earned, that is OK by me. Same goes for a title you've worked hard to achieve, or one which has been bestowed upon you by circumstance or deed. And no different are the pronouns you wish us all to refer to you by. Yes, it can be confusing for those of us who grew up in simpler times, but we mean no harm. Our slowness to adapt is merely evidence of the fading ability of older dogs to learn newer tricks.
Should we err (and we do) in a one-on-one encounter, we have the ability to apologize, to smooth over inadvertent slights with mea culpas and humanity. Not so in a more public-facing situation, and that is where I find myself. As part of my usual roll at events, I am the person who makes announcements to get people moving, to introduce speakers and segments, to offer up housekeeping information as needed, the so called "Voice of God" or VOG. I've done it for years, and it's gone from a nervous performance to a routine skill called upon with regularity. In service of that my muscle memory kicks in, and I automatically start most if not all of these pronouncements with the phrase I need to learn to banish: "Ladies and gentlemen."
Hardly a new choice of words, it's use dates back centuries, with the term "lady" inferring a woman of high status, while "gentle" had its root in "genteel" and did the same for menfolk. In other words, the formulation was a sign of respect for those being addressed. Since then It has gone on to become a default starting point for a crowd, one which sets the stage for more important information to come. It alerts those to whom it is directed that the next words are worth listing to, and is gentler than a whistle, more commanding than "uhh, excuse me," and less confrontational than "Hey, listen up!"
But you would have to have your head buried under a pile of sand in the now times not to be aware that how we address our fellow people has been undergoing a change. None of this should be a surprise: language changes and morphs over time. We rarely address someone as "m'lady" anymore, while those who perform on a stage are referred to as "actors" be they male or female. In that same vein, as notions of self and sexuality have changed, traditional singular pronouns, such as he and her, have been joined by they and them, and even ve and xe. It may be different, but it's not wrong.
And so it seems that the traditional formulation I use of L&G is becoming outdated. The challenge is what to replace it with. For sure, one could jump right to the meat of the story, and begin with "Please take your seats" or "Please welcome Sally McCord." Nothing wrong with that from a content standpoint, but it's as much a performative problem as anything else. What I need is a collective noun that gives me a hook into a group of people in front of me, one that has rhythm to give me an on-ramp into the more important information that's coming. Basically I need a door opener
Some suggest beginning with the time of day: "Good morning" or such. That works maybe once, but certainly doesn't wear well on repeated recitations. Similar starting points have the same problem: "Hi there" or "Hey all" or "Greetings and Salutations." Which brings us back to connecting with the people in a way that includes all without singling out any. "Distinguished guests" works but is a little too stiff, while "Folks" seems a bit too casual or chummy, and "People" a tad impersonal. In some situations "Comrades/colleagues/peers/associates/partners" (pick one) might do the trick, and "Friends and enemies" certainly leaves no one out.
With nothing jumping off the page, however, my quest will continue. At some point I will arrive at a formulation that a) commands the proper amount of attention, b) offends no one, and c) rolls off my tongue as effortlessly as the old phrasing did. I'll keep poking: I like "Allies" but "My Dears" seems out of character. Then again, to hit all the right notes, perhaps I need to revert to the most common of denominators. So don't be surprised if you are at an event I am working, and you hear me say "Please take your seats, Citizens of Earth."
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Marc Wollin of Bedford has been told he has a good VOG voice. His column appears weekly via email and online http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/ and https://marcwollin.substack.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
