When you look at cable television, a lot of the programs are
100 percent Trump, so why would you need more Trump during
the commercial breaks?
- Donald Trump
"Welcome to TNN, the Trump News Network. I'm Wolf Blitzer. Yes, that's right. For the duration of this electoral phenomena, we are officially changing our name to give you want you want."
"Before we go on, a few words of explanation. Way back in 1993, when we were CNN, we had our best numbers ever: a Larry King special featuring Al Gore and Ross Perot debating NAFTA. That night 16.8 million of you tuned in. But with Jake Tapper leading the charge for Wednesday's Republican debate, and doing yeoman's work inserting Donald Trump into almost every question, we averaged 23.1 million viewers. That was about the same as the NFL's season kickoff on Thursday featuring the reigning Super Bowl champion New England Patriots."
"We have always prided ourselves on giving you non-stop coverage of what you seem to be most interested in spite of any other news, whether it was the disappearance of Malaysian Air Flight 370 or the death of Michael Jackson. And so once again, we want to be your television home for what really interests you. Hence the change to TNN."
"But enough background: let's get to it. I'll be here quarterbacking our coverage at the newly christened Donald Desk. But our entire TNN news team will be weighing in on every aspect of this unprecedented political movement. So before we get started, let me introduce some of our major segments. First let me throw it to the aforementioned Jake Tapper, who will lead our non-stop Trump Roundtable. Jake, once again, congratulations on a phenomenal job."
"Thanks, Wolf. It was an honor to be part of it. And welcome to you, viewers, thanks for joining us. Here we will have a non-stop conversation with political and cultural experts about the Trump candidacy. Joining me for our inaugural edition and to give us the traditional analysis is Chief National Correspondent John King and Chief International Correspondent Christine Amanpor. But in keeping with the Trump approach, to give us that outsider's perspective, we'll also be joined by a rotating group of cultural luminaries whose entire political expertise is gleaned from places like People Magazine. And so tonight we're joined by Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus. Welcome all. It should make for an interesting conversation. Wolf?"
"Can't wait for you all to weigh in. To complement Jake's panels, we have several highly qualified journalists staffing some very special desks. Let's begin first with Dana Bash, our Chief Political Correspondent, and also a questioner at the debate. Dana, welcome, and congrats on a job well done to you as well."
"Thanks Wolf. I'm thrilled to be heading up the Trump Insult Desk. As you can see here, we have electronic representations of all the candidates, both Democratic and Republicans. As Trump insults each, that particular body part will light up, and the exact quote will appear. We'll be able to see it in real time, and analyze exactly how the insult is being spun or retracted. I should also add there's a matching app you can download , where you'll get notifications of each new insult. However, we do suggest you turn the sound down when you go to bed so you won't be woken up repeatedly."
"Good advice, that. Thanks Dana. Another of our specialist desks is being helmed by Ashleigh Banfield. Ashleigh?"
"Thanks Wolf, and welcome viewers to what we're calling the 'Trump or Truth' Desk. Here we will examine each new utterance of Trump in light of actual facts. Vaccines and autism? Training camps for terrorists in Nevada? Mexican Immigration, the economy, healthcare? We'll parse each of them, talk to actual experts and show you data as to which are correct, which carry some truth and which are, well, just Donald being Donald. Needless to say, Wolf, we expect to be pretty busy."
"Indeed you will Ashleigh, indeed you will. Thanks. We also have teams covering all the other candidates, not to get their views on Iran or education policy, but to see what they say about Trump. So stick with us: if it's about Donald you'll see it here. We'll kick it off right after this commercial break. Stay with us: this is TNN."
Marc Wollin of Bedford is just about to never turn on TV news again. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at Glancing Askance, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.