Then This Happened

It's the day before Christmas, or the big day itself
Either way by now you should be done playing elf
But as the new year approaches it's a chance to reflect
On all that has happened, what went right, what was wrecked

The most pressing concern we're still figuring out
The how, when and why, what this pandemic's about
Once the vaccines got started we thought it wouldn't be long
Till all was behind us, just a dream that went wrong

But it's two years later and we've made a hard turn
To living our lives with new rules that we've learned
Masks off only sometimes, vax cards at the ready
But wait: here comes Omicron, we're back to unsteady

But more than just COVID has commanded our view 
It started in January with a sight that chilled thru
A mob storming the Capital, a gang dead set to change
A result they resisted, it all seemed deranged

Yet in spite of that sideshow the results stayed the same
And in two of the branches a new leader was named
In tone and in substance a change to the flow
Though the jury's still out as to how it all goes

Elsewhere was also a swap of the guards
Some longstanding leaders punched their timecards
In Israel they showed Bibi the door was the way
In Germany Angela finally called it a day 

But while politics sucks oxygen out of the air
In other arenas there was still plenty to share

A ship stuck in the Suez, Ida flooded the states
An ice storm in Texas, a Mars rover did skate

Any number of gatherings started up once more
Though for some only TV could follow the score
The Olympics went forward with no fans in the stands
While Italia beat England, and 60K clapped their hands

Other stuff not so weighty rose to the top of the page
Britney was freed, the Squid Game was the rage
The first tourists in space, but only those with cash
The Bucs won the Super, Kim and Kanye got trashed

And of all the big things to get caught in the glare
One was all about who would take over the chair
In the form of a question, maybe Ken or LeVar?
It went pretty poorly, Trebek's legacy was scarred

Some took their last bows, capping lives that did sing
Mondale and Powell, Hank Aaron, Larry King
Sondheim, Prince Philip, Al Unser, Bob Dole
Just some well known faces for whom the bells tolled

So much to report, yet so much is the same
We can only hope next year this mess really wanes
Till then thanks for reading, and from me to you
Best wishes to all for a better ‘22

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Marc Wollin of Bedford thanks all for spending some time in this space. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Signs of the Season

While winter officially begins this week, as always the season is late to the party when it comes to the holidays. Indeed, while the first dustings of snow help to set the mood, there are any number of other earlier manifestations that help confirm where we are in the calendar. Your neighbor down the street has inflated their blow-up snowman. Your email box is filled with offers for the perfect gift. And most significantly, Amazon has extended their return window until the end of January. By any measure, whether you celebrate Kwanza, Chanukah, Christmas or any other seasonal festivities, it's that time of year when lights going on and off are assumed not to be flickering but rather twinkling.

And it also means it's time for all the food chains in your life to trot out their special type of holiday cheer. For sure they have sales and coupons to entice you to stop by with family and friends. But many have once-a-year special concoctions that reflect the trappings of the season. That's not to say that you wouldn't enjoy sprinkles in July or white chocolate in August. Rather, the odds of finding a Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino or similar are much higher come December.

And what's seasonal specialties are on the menu this year? If you are in the mood for pancakes with a decidedly winter accent, head to IHOP. There you can order their Winter Wonderland Pancakes in short stack or tall. It's four of their classic buttermilk pancakes, but topped with blue vanilla swirl icing, mini marshmallows, and a dusting of powdered sugar. Doesn't really taste any different the usual fare doused with syrup, but a charitable description is that it looks like you are digging into a frozen pond. A less charitable one is it looks like you are eating windshield washer fluid. Perhaps not as appetizing, but still very seasonally appropriate.

If you want some drive thru cheer, you can head to McDonald's. Back in 1999 McDonald's introduced their Holiday Pies as part of the promotion for the move "Toy Story 2." The item was a spin on the usual apple version available every day, except this one was filled with vanilla custard and topped with a white sugar glaze and sprinkles. Despite positive reaction, it took more than a decade for it to make an official appearance. Starting in 2012 it was added to the menu, but only in select markets and for a limited time. As of this writing it has been spotted in a handful of states including Texas, Oregon, and New York, showing that the company appears to show no geographic or political favoritism in the holiday spirit.

There are multiple other examples. Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor of the Month is Gingerbread House. Krispy Kreme has a Snowman Smile Doughnut. And the Cheesecake Factory is offering Peppermint Bark Cheesecake. But ground zero for holiday treats is the world of hot drinks. And the 800 pound Santa in that space is most definitely Starbucks. Long before competitors like Dunkin' and McDonald's McCafe started promoting their own spin, they were the first to offer all manner of holiday themed drinks, and have led, or more correctly, defined the arms race ever since.

Each chain has the table stakes that is their own variation on the now classic Peppermint Mocha Latte and White Hot Chocolate. But it's the gang from Seattle that has the deep bench that enables it to come up with new varietals every year. This season sees an Iced Sugar Cookie Almondmilk Latte, which combines sugar cookie–flavored syrup with Blonde Roast espresso and almondmilk over ice, and then adds red and green sprinkles. Or try a Chestnut Praline Latte, which is espresso and steamed milk with caramelized chestnut and spices, all finished with whipped cream and spiced praline crumbs. Their holiday offerings are if Steve Jobs built the Field of Dreams; people don't even know they want it, but once they build it, you will come. 

And then there's Dairy Queen's entry. It's a blend of cocoa fudge with vanilla soft serve topped with a sweet whipped topping and chocolate drizzle. More or less a chocolate sundae, but in the spirit of the season they call it Frozen Hot Chocolate. It might not warm you up, but it will definitely make you go Ho Ho Ho.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford has learned to appreciate Christmas stollen. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

House Guy

If you own a house, you know this simple truth: stuff breaks. Every room under your roof contains the possibility, nay, the probability, of something going south, even the roof itself. While the smart money is on it happening in the kitchen most often, the bathroom, garage or even family room could be ground zero for issues. If the structure or item in question has a few years on it, then there is an increasing chance of failure as the clock ticks. But even new does not mean immune. We've all had the experience of having a just installed faucet start leaking the second the guy gets in his truck and turns out of the driveway.

With a little luck, the item or issue in question might be repairable with a minimum of fuss. In the simplest instance you just bang on it, or turn it off and on, and all is right again. In the issue is more egregious, and if you have some aptitude and some basic tools, it still might just be an inconvenience. Perhaps a new plug or tightening a fitting or replacing the handle will solve the problem. Then it's some helpful videos on YouTube, a quick trip the hardware store for a few parts, and hopefully you are good to go.

Unfortunately it is not always that simple. Just as sometimes your eyes are bigger than your stomach, so too can your problem be bigger than your aptitude to fix it. Sure, it looks like a simple repair and the video makes it look so easy. But wade in and you may find that the subtleties are more than you bargained for. I speak from experience. In our old home I thought a slow running drain required a simple opening of the U joint under the sink and some cleaning out. My “simple fix” turned into the need for a visit by a professional and over $1000 in time and materials. Simple indeed.

Which of course leads to the third type of repair, the kind where it's best to call a pro in any one of a myriad of subspecialties. It might be someone to handle an electrical issue or a water leak, an appliance repair or a gutter problem, one who knows wood floors or heating systems. Often this means a call to a company that specializes in those various genres, from plumbing to electrical to roofing. Hopefully you get a helpful office manager who slots you into a schedule like a doctor's office, although the appointment is less likely to be a given hour certain than a window of opportunity. And then on Tuesday before noon or between three and eight a skilled tech shows up to make you whole again.

Just as likely, though, you have a Guy. Yes, it's sexist, but it seems that most Guys are guys. These are craftsmen who work as individuals rather than join a firm. They cultivate long term customer relationships, and likely know your air conditioning system better than you do. You treat a good Guy like a cross between a member of your family and a potential mate. You leave the house open for them, offer them coffee when they come, and guard their phone numbers like your bank account. As good as they are, you hesitate to give out their contact info too often lest they not be available when you need them. But if asked you extoll them like a trophy spouse, waxing rhapsodically about your Electrical Guy, your Appliance Guy, your Painting Guy, or your Plumber (in that case the Guy is silent).

If you are lucky you find a House Guy. This is a handyman who can do almost all, from fixing a rotting board to replacing a light fixture to unclogging a gutter. Some have restrictions: one won't touch pipes, another hates to go on roofs. But their utility player status elevates House Guys to first name basis. For years we had Vinny. Once he retired, my wife asked around and some friends thought enough of our relationship to introduce us to Hugo. Now he is our first call for anything that seems like it would be best if I didn't try and help. 

His number? Sorry, I don't think we know you well enough to share.  I mean, he is our Guy.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is Ok making simple electrical repairs, but avoids pipes. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Don't Give

And so it begins again.

While the starting line has moved, the race is still on. Used to be that Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, was the official start of the holiday shopping season. Then back when high speed internet was relegated only to businesses, it slipped a few days to Cyber Monday. Going the other direction and seeking to get a jump, many major chains started opening on turkey day itself. And now, after a year of doing it from home, more than a third of consumers say they started shopping as soon as they put the extra candy away after Halloween.

And what are we buying to give? As always, tech stuff of all kinds is a big draw, from headphones to phone accessories to anything with the word "smart" in its name. Food and food gadgets are always popular, from tea assortments to wine chillers. And items that say comfort are always welcome, from cozy socks to weighted blankets to almost anything branded UGG.

But while there are many things out there that might make good gifts for someone on your list, there are just as many that won't. And we're not talking about hair removal kits or toilet shaped coffee mugs or a World's Greatest Mullets calendar. We're talking about things that on the surface seem like a good bet, perhaps a unique take on an older product or an attempt to fill a specific niche for a particular interest. And yet they are simply a bad idea. No amount of marketing or hype can change the fact that they either don't work, cost too much for what they are, or are way more trouble than they are worth.

Take smart toothbrushes. They connect to an app that monitors how long you brush your teeth and report back when 2 minutes are up, a laudable goal for all of us. And yet the simple question is why? At around $200, it's a lot for something that really doesn't need to be connected. You can achieve the same outcome for a lot less money and infinitely less hassle with a kitchen timer and a regular brush. If you feel you must, splurge and get an electric model with a built-in stopwatch. But a Bluetooth toothbrush? A good example where being smart is actually stupid.

The same goes for a variety of connected animal stuff: automatic litter boxes, pet feeders and monitoring cameras to name a few. In theory not a bad idea. But in almost every case and every review, they are prone to malfunction, or you pay a premium for their "pet" pedigree. Let Fido and their owner stay with their tried and true method, and get them a new pull toy instead.

Kitchen gear is another place where the promise is far greater than the payoff. First, see if the recipient has any counter space left for a device that will be used sparingly once the initial trial period wears off.  And even then the question is how much will they use an air fryer or juice press or fruit dehydrator. A person can eat just so many dried apple chips, especially when can make the same thing in your oven, assuming you even want them after the first time.

Then there are the simple things that in isolation are fine, but, well, maybe think twice. Clever coffee mug? If it were the first, then perhaps. But how many "My Favorite Child Gave Me This Mug" mugs can a person have? Exercise equipment? Unless specifically requested, the subtext is as strong as the sentiment. Think about what this says to the recipient: you need to do something with yourself.  Custom photo attire? Perhaps, if it's personal and bespoke, but really, would you want to wear a tee shirt or socks with a photo on it of anyone in your family? I think not.

Still rules are meant to be broken. And if your significant other is jonesing for a Magic Bullet blender, who are you to deny them. So make some space next to the can opener and be ready to choke down kale and pineapple smoothies until they get bored. Not to worry: it won't take long.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is buying his own presents this year. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.