"Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming"

I generally don't like to simply reprint things I've been sent, but occasionally it's worth the space. And so herein is a list of country song titles which neatly encapsulates the entire spectrum of human relationships. Are they all for real? Well, if they aren't they should be. And the fact that you can't really tell which is which says it all.

Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump.

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.

Her Only Bad Habit Is Me.

Hold On To Your Men... Cause She's Single Again.

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade.

I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger.

I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.

I Got Through Everything But The Door.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up.

I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better.

I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.

I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me).

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.

If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me.

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low.

If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train.

If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will.

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail.

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised.

I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night.

Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket.

Make Me Late For Work Today.

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

My Glasses Are Slipping, But Baby I Can Still See Through You.

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill.

Pick Me Up On Your Way Down.

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy.

She's Actin' Single... I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty.

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone.

Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You.

The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me).

There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You.

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out.

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart.

Waitin' In Your Welfare Line.

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In.

Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?

Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?

Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life.

Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.

You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch.

You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation.

You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart).

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford has been known to listen to Willy Nelson when no one else is around. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review and The Scarsdale Inquirer.