Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Ties That Bind

"Good evening. I'm Glenn Beck."

"And I'm Rachel Maddow. And we... yes, we... want to welcome you to this extraordinary cable television event."

"That's right, Rachel. All year long we fight and insult each other and talk about how the other side is crazy. But tonight, for one night only, in the spirit of the holiday season, we are coming together to talk about not what divides liberals and conservatives, but rather what brings us together."

"The ground rules are simple. Each of us will offer up something we love that the other side hates. And then the other side will have to say something nice about them. Ready, Glenn?"

"Sure, Rach, fire away."

"Well, as they say, go big or go home. So let's start big. Glenn, grit your teeth, let a smile be your umbrella, and tell us something nice about our president, Barrack Obama.

"Rachel, that's not fair. He's obviously all that's wrong with the world today. He's creating a totalitarian, socialistic state that will harm generations to come, making every God-fearing American captive to...

"Glenn, put the foam back in your mouth and remember the rules. Like my mother said, something nice or say nothing at all."

"Well... if you insist."

"I insist."

"Well... hmmm... let me think. It's kinda hard. Uh... Wait! I know. He has a beautiful wife!"

"Great, Glenn! We agree: Michelle is indeed beautiful and smart and an inspiration to women of all colors and creeds."

"Wow! I have to say that was a lot harder than I thought, not to mention that funny taste I now have in my mouth. But now it's my turn, Rachel. How about you tackle.... let's see.... I know... Sarah Pallin!"

"Glenn, that's cruel! How can you ask a feminist like me to compliment a woman who represents almost everything I abhor!"

"You know the rules. If I can do it, so can you. Something nice, please."

"Something nice. Something nice. Well... she's actually better looking than Tina Fey!"

"That she is... couldn't agree with you more!"

"You're right Glenn, that was tough! But let's say we get off of politics. How about pop culture?"

"Sure, I'm game. Whatdaya got?"

"How about this? Say something nice about... Michael Jackson."

"You're kidding, right? You want me to say something nice about a pedophile freak?"

"In a word... yes."

"Geez. Michael Jackson... hmmm. I know... he sure could dance!"

"Absolutely! Nobody could dance like him!"

"And I have to say, Rachel, I still can't figure out how he did that moonwalk thing. I just wish he would have stopped grabbing his crotch all the time."

"Glenn, you said something nice...leave it at that. Got one for me?"

"Pop culture's a little harder for conservatives. Hard to be right in left-leaning Hollywood. So let's try the literary realm. Let's see you offer up a compliment on Ann Coulter."

"Ann Coulter!? You call what she's writes literature?! More like drivel in lipstick!"

"Doesn't sound like a compliment to me, Rachel. You're being naughty, not nice. Find something good, or stay quiet."

"It kills me to do this, Glenn, I have to tell you. But, let see. Ann Coulter... Ann Coulter... Got it! She has the most beautiful hair I can imagine."

"No doubt about it. It is gorgeous. Goes to prove that conservatives can be good looking too!"

"I think we've got time for one more quick one, Glenn. How about a short take on President Clinton."

"The lying philanderer? Well, as far as we know, he's not as bad as Tiger Woods. You take the same: George W. Bush."

"Best brush clearer among Texas gentlemen ranchers."

"Well done. I'm afraid, though, that we're just about out of time. Rachel, it's been fun."

"Likewise, Glenn. I still think you're a homophobic Nazi, but tonight you've been a gentleman."

"And you're pretty personable for a lesbian pinko commie."

"Thanks. And to all of you, thanks so much for watching. And remember in this special time of the year, we can all find things that unite us. Have a great holiday season."


Marc Wollin of Bedford hopes all have a good holiday, whatever their points of view. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review and The Scarsdale Inquirer.

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