Those People

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"My gosh, these people in Washington are running the country right into the ground."

Senator Orrin G. Hatch, Republican of Utah, resident of Washington and member of Congress for 34 years.

"Thank you Congressman Blowheart for talking with us, and congratulations on your new book, 'Taking Back America.'"

"Thanks, and happy to be here."

"I guess I should begin by asking the obvious question: just who are we taking America back from?"

"Why, Congress, of course. Those people in Washington have just gone off on their own, and have no connection with what the American people really want. We have to rise up and take our country back before it's too late."

"But sir, you've been in Congress for a record 27 terms... that's 54 years. Aren't you Congress?"

"Why no, son, I am just a regular guy with a regular job, trying to make ends meet like my neighbors back in dear old Sasquatch, West Virginia."

"But Congressman, with all due respect, you have a townhouse in Georgetown, your kids went to school here and your boat is docked here. The only address we found for you in your home town is a studio apartment above your district office. And the super in the building says the only time he sees you there is when there is a parade in town."

"Well, it's true I divide my time between here in Washington and back home, but this is just where I work... my heart and sensibilities are all Mountaineer."

"Still, sir, when people talk about Congress not being in touch with the regular people, aren't you and your other colleagues, who have been here for extended times, the very definition of the problem."

"Son, that's an unfair characterization, lumping me in with all those others. I have the same concerns and insecurities as my constituents... constituents like Will Powers, who grew up next door to us in Sasquatch. He became a pharmacist, and built his store into a local landmark. Just like Will, I worry about things like affordable health insurance and paying my staff and finding time to exercise."

"But sir, Congress has a gold-plated health plan, your staff is paid for by Congress and you have 24 hour access to the Congressional gym, including a nutritionist and personal trainer. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Will Powers died last year, and his wife had to sell the pharmacy because of the cost of running the business."

"My heavens, he did? I'll have to have my staff send a sympathy note to Muriel, and make sure they move my prescriptions to the CVS down the block."

"So, Congressman, how do you propose to take Washington back from... well, from yourself?"

"Three things. First, I think we have to ban all those special interests, like the banking and oil lobbyists. Then I think we need to take a hard look at all those pork projects that members get... you know, those million dollar research grants for butterflies or some such nonsense. And finally I think we should begin term limits."

"Sir, let's take special interests first. You mention two of the biggest for sure... banks and oil. But what about the coal Industry? Very big in your state, and a major contributor to your campaigns over the years."

"True, but we also lead the nation in underground coal production, which means it's not a special interest at all... it's American. That's why I killed that pesky EPA bill... there's nothing finer to breath than clean coal emissions."

"And in the area of special projects, why should taxpayers fund the ‘Wilbur C. Blowheart Center for Applesauce?' Isn't that a frivolous waste of the budget?"

"Son, our state fruit is the apple, specifically the Golden Delicious. It was discovered here and grown here since 1912. And I think America's children not only need, but deserve a high level research institution to insure the veracity of their favorite food. After all, what's more American than apples anyway?"

"And term limits?"

"Yes, term limits. HR 3028, the "Blowheart Bill" seeks to institute term limits for those elected starting in 2064. We have to start somewhere... just not with me."

"Congressman, thanks you for your time."

"A pleasure, son. Care for an apple?"

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford sometimes thinks we should vote against every incumbent. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review and The Scarsdale Inquirer.