Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Santa Ap

"I am Siri's cousin Santi, your holiday personal assistant. How can I help?"

"Santi, I need to talk about Christmas."

"Checking. There is no one named Christmas listed in your contacts."

"No, Santi, I need help with the holiday Christmas."

"Christmas falls on December 25th every year. Would you like me to add it to your calendar?"

"Santi, no. I need help with Christmas presents."

"There are approximately 3.79 million Christmas presents nearby. Do you want a map to them from your location?"

"Uh, no Santi. I need presents for my family."

"Checking. There are texts in your inbox from Billy Johnson and Carolyn Johnson and Mrs. Marge Johnson containing the word 'present. '"

"Santi, tell me about Billy's list first."

"Billy's List is a web site listing the top horror movies by box office gross since 1950. It was started by Billy Colligan, a 23 year old college drop-out now ranked 746 on the Forbes list of Top Millionaires under 25."

"No Santi! Our son Billy Johnson!"

"I found a Billy Johnson, age 13, in your contact list. Do you want me to call or text him?"

"No, Santi. Just read me the text from Billy Johnson containing the word 'present.'"

"Reading. 'Dude, as a Christmas present I would like a new videogame. '"

"Santi, do you know which videogame Billy wants us to buy for him?"

"Checking. There are 197 videogames in stores nearby. Do you want a map to them from your location?"

"Santi, what kind of video game is best for a 13 year old boy?"

"Checking. Males in the age range of 12 to 15 prefer videogames which include shooting, cars and scantily clad girls. There are 5 scantily clad girls nearby. Do you want a map to them from your location?"

"Uh, no Santi. Read the text from Carolyn Johnson, age 17, containing the word 'present.'"

"Reading. 'Daddy, what I really want as a present is a Kardashian Kollection faux fur coat. You're the best!'"

"Santi, where can I find a Kardashian?"

"Checking. I have found 37 reality shows containing Kardashians. Do you want me to record them?"

"No, Santi! What I meant was at what designer store can I get a Kardashian Kollection faux fur coat?"

"Checking. Kardashian Kollection can be found at Sears, next to the chainsaws. Would you like a map?"

"Later! Santi, read the text from Mrs. Marge Johnson containing the word 'present.'"

"Reading. 'Honey, you know the kind of present I like. Whatever you get me will be fine. Love you.'"

"Santi, what kind of presents do wives like?"

"Checking. Wives like jewelry as presents. I found 4 jewelry stores close by. Do you want a map to them from your location?"

"Santi, is there anything I can get for my wife as a present that won't cost an arm and a leg."

"Checking. I'm sorry, I can find no presents that meet that criteria nearby."

"Santi, one more thing. What is the correct greeting for this time of year?"

"Checking. The correct greeting is Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year."

"Well then, Santi, Happy Holidays to you."

"Checking. There are 27 other holidays which are happy. Do you want me to add them to your calendar?"

"That's OK, Santi, I get it."

Marc Wollin of Bedford hopes all can find a map to a happy holiday season. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at

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