Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Important Stuff

The election is all but a distant memory. The bruising fights in Congress over taxes and the budget are water under the bridge. Even the Speakership was decided with only a minor whimper. And so what are the big issues that confront us as we settle down to business in the new year? Well, for starters, what are the implications of a Kardashian-West baby? Will Snookie and JWooww find enough excitement in Morristown, NJ, a major location for season 2 of their spinoff? And is it really the end for Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy? (No, I have no idea who they are either, but it's the lead on the "Us" magazine web site, so it's gotta be important)

All critical stuff, to be sure. But being the pop culture connoisseur that I am, I think I can safely say that these are all just distractions from what will be on the minds of all of us as we get closer and closer to that critical July date: what about the Royal baby?

That's right. Sometime in the early summer, if those carefully watching and charting the progress of her morning sickness can be relied upon, Kate Middleton and Prince William will produce yet another heir to the English throne. As this is not the first great grandchild of the queen, you could be tempted to wave it off as just another royal-watching event. But you would be wrong. That's because, by virtue of lineage, starting with Elizabeth's first born (Charles), to his first born (William), to his first born (the as-yet-to-be-born aforementioned baby), this kid will hold the distinction of being third in line for the throne should the need for such a successor ever come to pass. So come July we'll be witnessing not just the debut of another Windsor to get in trouble, but a potential future King or Queen of England, one who would come of age just about the time Justin Bieber is tapped to be the new James Bond.

As such, there are any number of important issues troubling you. And so as a public service, so you can be knowledgeable around the water cooler or on your Twitter feed, here are some of the most pressing questions answered. This way you can confidently say you are staying ahead of the curve on perhaps the world's most useless monarchy.

What will be the royal baby's title? According to the Letters Patent of 1917, "the titles ‘Royal Highness' (HRH) prince and princess should be restricted to the children of the sovereign; the children of the sovereign's sons; and the eldest son of the eldest son of the Prince of Wales." So since Queen Elizabeth II bestowed the titles of Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on William and Kate Middleton when they were married, their first born will officially be "His/Her Royal Highness the Prince/Princess of Cambridge."

What will be the baby's name? Not so easy an answer here. Of course, nothing is definitive until His/Her Royal Highness makes an appearance. But for a boy, Ladbrokes, the English bookmaker, has John, Charles and George tied at 10 to 1 favorites, while Elizabeth is leading for girls at 7 to 1, with Diana, Anne and Victoria not too far behind at 12 to 1. But don't fret: you can still put down your money for long shots like Arsene or Raffa, the respective names of the current coaches of the Arsenal and Chelsea football clubs, at 500 to 1.

Is there an official souvenir? Well, official may not be the right word. "First" works, as does "tacky." But there's no denying that Party Pieces, the company owned by Middleton's parents, is offering both a pink and a blue version of a plate inscribed "A New Little Prince/Princess" with a crown in the middle. There has been a fair amount of backlash, which may account for the fact that both models have been discounted from the original £2.15, with the pink model costing just £1.49 and the blue £1.69. Does the price difference amount to insider info as to whether it will be a boy or a girl? You decide.

That should help keep you in the know for now. But not to worry, we know we have a responsibility. So next week we'll tackle another all-important question: who will be wearing which designer at the Oscars.


Marc Wollin of Bedford is proud he never watched Jersey Shore. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

No comments: