Saturday, December 19, 2015

For Immediate Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. Just in time for the holidays, it's the publishing event of the year! Hot on the heels of his New York Times bestseller "Killing Reagan," the author of "Killing Jesus," "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Patton" and "Killing Kennedy," superdupermega media personality Bill O'Reilly publishes his earth shattering 7th non-fiction-novelized-historical-revisionist-mostly-accurate-with-a-twist account of the story of St. Nicholas. Available today, be among the first to read the book everyone will be talking about around the tree, KILLING SANTA.

If you grew thinking you knew the story of the Jolly Old Elf and his yearly trips to reward good little boys and girls, well, get ready to be shocked. Using recently discovered undiscovered documents, refuted and debunked claims that include minor grains of truth, cherry picking facts to fit his narrative, and just plan bluster, O'Reilly lays bare the myth you only THOUGHT you knew about St. Nick and his so-called "reindeer." (More on them later.)

For the first time, O'Reilly brings his patented "No Spin" approach to expose the truth behind a fictional character. Never again will you walk past a fat man in a red suit and think all is well. After you read KILLING SANTA you'll see the darkness between all that tinsel. And you'll know the difference between a patriot elf and the pinhead variety.

Using as his starting point the original Saint Nicholas, O'Reilly traces the history, legends and liberal bias that has resulted in the Kris Kringle we know today. Using interviews with current and former children, discredited elves, disgruntled national security operatives, retired military commanders with an ax to grind, conservative think tank spin masters and hosts of other Fox "news" programs, he races through history to frame the tarnished story behind the cherished Christmas tradition.

In KILLING SANTA, you'll learn about the secret deals made between Big Toy and Big Pole concerning Talking Barbie and Silent Elmo. You'll be a fly on the wall during the negotiations between the Reindeer Coalition and FedEx, as they divide up the ceremonial vs. actual process of moving 15 million presents in a single night. And you'll see how our western tradition of giant bows for Lexus cars is under siege by radical Islamic terrorists.

And the early reviews are just what you'd expect.

Donald Trump: "Look, I don't need Santa, because I have everything. Did I mention I‘m rich? And elves love me. Even the Mexican ones. But if you don't have as much money as me, and still want presents, then this book, which, admittedly isn't as good as my New York Times bestsellers, is still pretty good, and tells you the real story."

Bernie Sanders: "I mean, let's not mince words about the holiday season: it's an excuse to maximize corporate profits on the back of a captive work force. Doesn't matter if it's China and miners, or the North Pole and elves. To that end, O'Reilly gets it right. I mean, the man's a right wing nut, but I think people are sick and tired of hearing that naughty or nice crap! Everyone should get presents. That's not socialism. That's just – well – it is socialism, but it's good socialism! And O'Reilly, call him what you will, lays it all out there."

Ben Carson: "I think it's good to talk about Christmas. Christmas is nice. We need to be nicer. On the talk shows we're not being as nice as we should be. And Bill is a nice man, even if he is a little loud. He would be nicer if he was quieter. But his book is nice. Reading is nice."

Hillary Clinton: "I usually don't agree with Mr. O'Reilly. But I do have a 12-point plan to rein in the excesses of Christmas. And to that end, I can see where he is coming from. You see? For those of you who like his book, we do have common ground. My 14-point plan details the 23 steps we can take so we can all celebrate this wonderful ecumenical-celebratory-occasion-not-offensive-to-anyone together."

Miley Cyrus: "O'Reillyyyyyy!!! Santaaaaaa!!! Partyyyyyy!!! Yeah!!!"

If there is one present under your tree this year, make sure it is KILLING SANTA. Available online and wherever you can find a store that sells actual books. KILLING SANTA. You'll never look at Christmas the same way again.


Marc Wollin of Bedford wishes all a happy holiday. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

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