Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Keyboard

The keyboard was no different from the hundreds of things I've ordered online. As with almost any product, I had a choice of the whether to go with an established brand or a cheaper imitation, and I had opted for the later. If you don't care about the label, those alternative names can save you some serious coin. True, the product may not last as long, taste the same or fit as well. But that's a tradeoff you may be willing to make to save the money. If you're talking socks or crackers or light bulbs, the difference may be negligible indeed. And as tech as gotten more dependable and commoditized, the less costly pretenders also frequently work just as well as the expensive stuff.

The one thing you may have to compromise on is the directions. For consumables, it's immaterial: I know how to eat Acme cookies as well as I do Oreos. But for stuff that requires setup, you may have to go with barebones guidance. The written step-by-step may be sketchy, and there may be no knowledgeable customer service agent accessible online or via phone. And if it comes from a Chinese offbrand, then all bets are off. 

And an offbrand from China this was. No Microsoft or Apple or Cicso product, this was made by Jelly Comb. A maker of keyboards and computer peripherals, the company distributes its products through Walmart and Ebay and Amazon. They generally are well made and get good reviews, and their technology is pretty solid and works well. But their documentation? Chinglish at its finest.

Chinglish is the name given to those bizarre translations from Chinese to English. The examples are the stuff of legend: "Racist Park," "Dangerous, Be Careful Drowning" and "Dry Cream Only" are just some examples. Why are they so strange? There's no definitive reason, but it likely has to do with the fact that while English has just 26 characters, Chinese has hundreds. Some are sounds, some are ideas, some are entire words. Just as the Eskimos have 50 or more words for snow, there are multiple ways of saying the same thing in Chinese. And so a literal word-for-word translation of a Chinese sign that says "Under Construction" gets rendered in English as "Execution in Progress," while "Accessible Men's Room" comes across as "Deformed Man Toilet." Not wrong, per se, but not right either.

The authorities are well aware of these missteps. They understand that as they continue in their journey to be a global power that it makes a difference in the perception of Westerners. After all, how seriously can you take a country as a world power if their fire extinguishers have labels on them that say "Hand Grenade."

And so a number of official attempts have been made to try and right the ship, the most recent in a jointly issued directive from China's Standardization Administration and the General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine. It was focused on improving 13 public arenas, including transportation, entertainment, medicine and financial services, and took effect last year.

However, it looks like the good folks at Jelly Comb didn't get the memo. How else to explain the directions on pairing my new Bluetooth keyboard to my phone? "Turn on the device, the blue light shining one time, then press Button of Connect with 3 seconds, the blue light Twinkle." I think I get the gist, in that when the blue power light is on I should press and hold the button for 3 seconds until the light flashes. And indeed, when I do that, the two connect, the light goes out, and all works as promised. Or as the directions put it, "After matching status sucdeed, the twinkle blue light off." Uh, that's what I said. I think.

Let me be very clear: as a person who has absolutely no ear for any languages beside my own, and is indeed still trying to figure out the intricacies of English, I have enormous admiration for anyone who can speak more than one. But it's hard not to be amused when the results are institutionally enshrined. And it does makes you wonder what was actually being said in the mother tongue when the photograph of the vegetarian specialty on the menu is described as "Sexual Harassment Dried Bamboo Shoots."

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Marc Wollin of Bedford loves languages, even those he can't speak. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

The Chocolate War

We're about to see a battle of epic proportions.

Were we talking politics, you might be thinking Democrats vs Republicans. Were we talking phones, you might be thinking Android vs Apple. Trade? China vs the US. Basketball? Steph vs Lebron. Oscars? Gaga vs Glenn. In every case, we're talking about established players with lots of talent, deeps reservoirs of experience and devoted followers on each side. You just know that when they go head to head it's going to be intense, and the winner is anybody's guess.

And it's not going to be any different in chocolate spreads.

In what is likely to be the opening salvo in a messy (and very caloric) food fight, Italy's Parma-based Barilla Group, known mostly on these shores for their pasta and pasta sauces, introduced this week Pan di Stelle Crema, a chocolate hazelnut spread. That pits them head to head with their fellow paesans, Alba's Ferrero Group. Ferrero's portfolio includes Kinder chocolates, Tic Tac Mints and Rocher pralines. But those are mere distractions from their big kahuna, the undisputed leading chocolate hazelnut spread in the world, fabled in song and story and internet meme, found on crepes, bread and spoons from Paris to Pittsburgh, Nutella.

It's not like others haven't tried to muscle their way into that market before. US goliaths like Jif and Hershey's have mass market versions, and there are small organic entries like Nicciolata and Justin's in certain niche geographies. Number two in the overall rankings is Cokokrem, a product of Yildiz Holding, a Turkish conglomerate. But that entry is the runner up in name only. Cokokrem has just a 2% share, while Nutella dwarfs all others combined with a whopping 52% share of the global market.

Still, in spite of that mountain to be climbed, Barilla is diving in. They see an opening based on their current approach to marketing, "Good for You, Good for the Planet." They start with an appeal to their Italian roots, noting that the new product will contain "100% Italian hazelnuts." Then for "you" it has 10% less sugar, compared to Nutella's 21 grams per two tablespoon serving. (The USDA recommends a daily limit of 25g for women and 36g for men.) And for the "planet" it uses more environmentally friendly sunflower oil as opposed to the palm oil Nutella uses, as well as sustainably grown cocoa.

The name of the new product comes from the addition to the crema of crumbles from Pan di Stelle, chocolate biscuits with white stars on them, one of the company's best known cookies. For while we on this side of the Atlantic know Barilla for their primo course entrees, nearly half of the company's profits come from its bakery operations around the world. And therein lies a subplot that gets to the what may be the real motivation behind the rollout. For it may not be a case of just looking to expand into a lucrative market niche, but rather a preemptive shot across the bow of the good ship Nutella.

Seems that Ferrero has had their R&D chefs back in Piedmont working on line extensions. After all, if you have a blockbuster product, you would be crazy not to leverage the name and see how you can broaden its reach. Not surprisingly, one of the items they came up with is a Nutella-filled biscuit, a product rumored to roll out later this year. Interestingly, that is not too dissimilar from a cookie called Baiocchi, a small round sandwich of vanilla wafers with chocolate hazelnut cream in the middle. That cookie is one of the stalwarts of the Mulino Bianco brand. And that brand is owned by, you guessed it, none other than the Barilla Group.

That changes the equation completely. For sure, you can look at Barilla's action as a calculated business decision based on marketing research and demographic trends. But those Italians take their sweets very seriously. After all, it was in "The Godfather" when Clemenza told Rocco after executing Paulie to "Leave the gun and take the cannoli." In that spirit the meaning of Barilla's action is no mere product introduction but rather the opening salvo in a war, and its actions can be reduced to a much simpler calculation that Clemenza would surely appreciate: you come after our biscuit, we go after your spread.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford likes most things sweet. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

More Than 20 Questions

If you walk into anywhere new, there are bound to be questions flowing both ways. If it's a restaurant, they want to know how many are in your party, while you want to know the specials. If it's a grocery store, you want to know where the bread is, while they want to know if you have any coupons. And if it's a person's house, they want to know if you'd like something to drink, and you want to know where the bathroom is. 

Those are all simple queries, asked and answered. Not so if you go to a new doctor's office. You want to know what's wrong with you and what to do about it, but they want to know far more. For that reason they always tell you to get there 15 minutes early to complete the paperwork. There're insurance forms to fill out to be sure, along with a family history, and contact and biographical information. But by far most of the questions clipped to that clipboard belong to the medical questionnaire. 

Though you were likely referred by your regular doctor, who has checked you over and is the very reason you are sitting in that waiting room, they still want to know it all. Do you have high blood pressure? Do you experience convulsions? Do you have difficulty swallowing? Do you have cramps, other than the one in your writing hand? 

That's because, like the old children's song, "The hip bone's connected to the back bone," and so on. I'm no doctor, but I get the concept that almost everything in your body is connected to everything else one way or the other. That's why the flu can make your joints hurt, and turning your ankle can give you a headache. And it's why they want the whole story.

Still, in the few minutes you have before they call you, how accurate can you be? Sure, with regards to the big stuff, you're likely to flag any important events or issues: heart conditions, artificial joints, asthma. But deeper into the mishmash that is your body's backstory, who can say? What was the date of that hernia surgery? I did have ringing my ears, but that was a while ago. How much gas is excess? Is that before or after Mexican food?

To be sure, some of that stuff is seriously important. If you have problems with your blood clotting, better to know that before they stick a needle in you. If you're allergic to penicillin, best to have that on the record before they prescribe it. And if you're about to have an MRI, good to know if you have any metal in your body. Otherwise you risk it being dragged out of you in a scene reminiscent from "Alien." 

In all of these scenarios, there's no reason not to answer honestly. After all, the wrong response has the potential to inconvenience you at best, and harm you at worst. Contrast that with the 19 questions on the US Government's' Online Non-Immigrant Visa Application form. "Have you ever been involved in, or do you seek to engage in, money laundering?" Uh, no. "Have you ever participated in genocide?" Uh, not to my knowledge. "Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in torture?" Well, there was that time when I wouldn't let my little sister have the TV remote, but I'm not sure that qualifies, even though she screamed a lot. A lot.

Occasionally someone does respond "yes," though it's generally a mistake. There was a report just last month of a 70 year-old Scottish grandfather accidentally ticking the wrong box on a question asking if he was a terrorist. He was denied a visa until it was all cleared up, a mistake costing him several weeks and a couple of thousand dollars in rescheduled flights. 

Poor guy. Why the question is there is a question unto itself. I have no reason to hide my creaky knee from the doctor, but does anyone seriously believe that a bomb maker would answer in the affirmative? It would be better for public safety is they asked the Scottish guy if he was bringing in haggis. That native dish is made of sheep's offal mixed with suet, oatmeal, and seasoning and boiled in the animal's stomach. A weapon of mass destruction? I say "yes."

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Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't like answering the same questions twice. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

WHAT D'YA SAY?

When we pick a place to connect with friends for dinner, there are a number of criteria to consider. To be sure, the food itself is top of the list: it has to be good, but some folks like one type or another, which drives us away from Indian or towards Mexican. Location is critical as well: we try and find a spot that's convenient for all. Price? Ease of parking? Reviews? Yes, yes and yes. 

However more and more, even if we can check off all of the above boxes in the affirmative, there's another factor which is rising to the top. More than once it has trumped the others, becoming if not first among equals, then at least a heavy thumb on the scale of successful, enjoyable and therefore repeat visits. Yes, the fried calamari has to be fresh, the water glasses have to be kept filled and there have to be plenty of olives in the glass of Hendrick's (Van, I'm looking at you). But all of that fades by the wayside when we can't hear each other. 

Yes, I know I'm getting older, and my ears are joining my knees and my eyes as parts of my body that seem to be nearing their breaking points. And I know I sound like my (and your) parents, lamenting kids and their rock and roll music and their iPhones and their Instabookgram-y accounts. But it's not a relaxing dinner with friends if I have to say four times to the waiter as he lists the specials "WHAT D'YA SAY?" 

There is no doubt that my (and my companions') physical state of disrepair plays a part in this comedy, but we alone are not to blame. For along with bespoke lighting and show kitchens, restaurants have replaced all that cushy seating and fabric wall coverings with hard surfaces. Whether it's a refurbished industrial look or a mid century modern motif, the operative word is sleek and clean. And that means stone and glass and open ceilings. A treat for the eyes, yes, but also a playground for sound, allowing your voice and everyone else's to bounce and mix with the ding of silverware and clink of wine glasses. The result is, well, "WHAT D'YA SAY?" 

To some extent, like art, loud is in the ear of the beholder. Unlike art, however, that judgment can be not just anecdotal, but empirical. Experts say that sound over 85 decibels can be harmful to your hearing. And while the din at your local Starbucks clocks in at around 60 or 70 dB on a busy day, the roar at that sports bar/gastropub with its chic industrial brick interior likely clocks in closer to 90 dB. And that's before the Giants fumble yet again and the crowd reacts. Meaning that Eli's backside and your ears are likely to be getting beaten up about the same. 

Some point to noise not as a nuisance, but rather as a money maker. Analysts have noted that noisy places force people to eat and leave, not to linger, helping to turn over tables faster. Or that the higher noise levels cause you to speak louder, drying out your throat, causing you to order more drinks. There was even a study earlier this year that the noise level influences what food you order. According to researchers at the University of South Florida, softer environments have a calming effect, making us more mindful of what we order. This typically results in healthier choices, such as a salad. Alternatively, louder environments increase stimulation and stress, leading to foods deemed more unhealthy, like cheeseburgers and fries. Think of that next time you walk into Dunkin' Donuts and they are playing AC/DC. 

And so we request a quiet table in the corner, and try and go early before the rush, and lean in even if Sheryl Sandberg isn't there. Because the point of having dinner companions is to visit as well as eat. And if we can't talk then we may as well just stay home and order out for pizza. But it makes me wonder: are we the only ones with this issue? Is the reason all those kids have their phones out at dinner because they are avoiding talking to their parents? Or are they texting each other because it's too hard to hear?

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is getting pickier about restaurants. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.