If you walk into anywhere new, there are bound to be questions flowing both ways. If it's a restaurant, they want to know how many are in your party, while you want to know the specials. If it's a grocery store, you want to know where the bread is, while they want to know if you have any coupons. And if it's a person's house, they want to know if you'd like something to drink, and you want to know where the bathroom is.
Those are all simple queries, asked and answered. Not so if you go to a new doctor's office. You want to know what's wrong with you and what to do about it, but they want to know far more. For that reason they always tell you to get there 15 minutes early to complete the paperwork. There're insurance forms to fill out to be sure, along with a family history, and contact and biographical information. But by far most of the questions clipped to that clipboard belong to the medical questionnaire.
Though you were likely referred by your regular doctor, who has checked you over and is the very reason you are sitting in that waiting room, they still want to know it all. Do you have high blood pressure? Do you experience convulsions? Do you have difficulty swallowing? Do you have cramps, other than the one in your writing hand?
That's because, like the old children's song, "The hip bone's connected to the back bone," and so on. I'm no doctor, but I get the concept that almost everything in your body is connected to everything else one way or the other. That's why the flu can make your joints hurt, and turning your ankle can give you a headache. And it's why they want the whole story.
Still, in the few minutes you have before they call you, how accurate can you be? Sure, with regards to the big stuff, you're likely to flag any important events or issues: heart conditions, artificial joints, asthma. But deeper into the mishmash that is your body's backstory, who can say? What was the date of that hernia surgery? I did have ringing my ears, but that was a while ago. How much gas is excess? Is that before or after Mexican food?
To be sure, some of that stuff is seriously important. If you have problems with your blood clotting, better to know that before they stick a needle in you. If you're allergic to penicillin, best to have that on the record before they prescribe it. And if you're about to have an MRI, good to know if you have any metal in your body. Otherwise you risk it being dragged out of you in a scene reminiscent from "Alien."
In all of these scenarios, there's no reason not to answer honestly. After all, the wrong response has the potential to inconvenience you at best, and harm you at worst. Contrast that with the 19 questions on the US Government's' Online Non-Immigrant Visa Application form. "Have you ever been involved in, or do you seek to engage in, money laundering?" Uh, no. "Have you ever participated in genocide?" Uh, not to my knowledge. "Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in torture?" Well, there was that time when I wouldn't let my little sister have the TV remote, but I'm not sure that qualifies, even though she screamed a lot. A lot.
Occasionally someone does respond "yes," though it's generally a mistake. There was a report just last month of a 70 year-old Scottish grandfather accidentally ticking the wrong box on a question asking if he was a terrorist. He was denied a visa until it was all cleared up, a mistake costing him several weeks and a couple of thousand dollars in rescheduled flights.
Poor guy. Why the question is there is a question unto itself. I have no reason to hide my creaky knee from the doctor, but does anyone seriously believe that a bomb maker would answer in the affirmative? It would be better for public safety is they asked the Scottish guy if he was bringing in haggis. That native dish is made of sheep's offal mixed with suet, oatmeal, and seasoning and boiled in the animal's stomach. A weapon of mass destruction? I say "yes."
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't like answering the same questions twice. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
Those are all simple queries, asked and answered. Not so if you go to a new doctor's office. You want to know what's wrong with you and what to do about it, but they want to know far more. For that reason they always tell you to get there 15 minutes early to complete the paperwork. There're insurance forms to fill out to be sure, along with a family history, and contact and biographical information. But by far most of the questions clipped to that clipboard belong to the medical questionnaire.
Though you were likely referred by your regular doctor, who has checked you over and is the very reason you are sitting in that waiting room, they still want to know it all. Do you have high blood pressure? Do you experience convulsions? Do you have difficulty swallowing? Do you have cramps, other than the one in your writing hand?
That's because, like the old children's song, "The hip bone's connected to the back bone," and so on. I'm no doctor, but I get the concept that almost everything in your body is connected to everything else one way or the other. That's why the flu can make your joints hurt, and turning your ankle can give you a headache. And it's why they want the whole story.
Still, in the few minutes you have before they call you, how accurate can you be? Sure, with regards to the big stuff, you're likely to flag any important events or issues: heart conditions, artificial joints, asthma. But deeper into the mishmash that is your body's backstory, who can say? What was the date of that hernia surgery? I did have ringing my ears, but that was a while ago. How much gas is excess? Is that before or after Mexican food?
To be sure, some of that stuff is seriously important. If you have problems with your blood clotting, better to know that before they stick a needle in you. If you're allergic to penicillin, best to have that on the record before they prescribe it. And if you're about to have an MRI, good to know if you have any metal in your body. Otherwise you risk it being dragged out of you in a scene reminiscent from "Alien."
In all of these scenarios, there's no reason not to answer honestly. After all, the wrong response has the potential to inconvenience you at best, and harm you at worst. Contrast that with the 19 questions on the US Government's' Online Non-Immigrant Visa Application form. "Have you ever been involved in, or do you seek to engage in, money laundering?" Uh, no. "Have you ever participated in genocide?" Uh, not to my knowledge. "Have you ever committed, ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in torture?" Well, there was that time when I wouldn't let my little sister have the TV remote, but I'm not sure that qualifies, even though she screamed a lot. A lot.
Occasionally someone does respond "yes," though it's generally a mistake. There was a report just last month of a 70 year-old Scottish grandfather accidentally ticking the wrong box on a question asking if he was a terrorist. He was denied a visa until it was all cleared up, a mistake costing him several weeks and a couple of thousand dollars in rescheduled flights.
Poor guy. Why the question is there is a question unto itself. I have no reason to hide my creaky knee from the doctor, but does anyone seriously believe that a bomb maker would answer in the affirmative? It would be better for public safety is they asked the Scottish guy if he was bringing in haggis. That native dish is made of sheep's offal mixed with suet, oatmeal, and seasoning and boiled in the animal's stomach. A weapon of mass destruction? I say "yes."
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't like answering the same questions twice. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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