Give Them The Money

As you read this we stand on the cusp of the launch party for the yearly orgy known as the Holiday Shopping Season. This year will likely be more frantic than usual: due to an anomaly of the calendar, the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas will be a full six days shorter this year than in 2018. Indeed, we haven't had a Thanksgiving occur this late into November since 2013. So forget good cheer and fellowship: the only thing more divisive than impeachment will be who gets the last Sparkle Princess Elsa doll left on the shelf. 

Not to worry, there is plenty of other loot that is begging to be bought. There are the practical things, like crossbody handbags, flannel pajamas and barbeque tools. There are the items of questionable utility, such as an agate cheese board, a reusable straw and a self-rolling yoga mat. And there are those aimed at those with very particular interests, like a Harry Potter advent calendar, a custom silk-screened cat pillow or a beauty products mini refrigerator. (Your exfoliating cream will be so much more refreshing when it's cool, or so they say.) 

As always every year, there are the items which are new and unique, but which no one really wants. There's a water bottle with a crystal in it. Other than taking up space for additional liquid and adding weight, it does nothing to keep you hydrated. There are ankle scarves, designed to wrap around above your shoes and keep your joints warm, in case the thought of just wearing boots never comes up when it gets cold. And there are long distance touch bracelets, for you and your mate to don, so you can set the other's to vibrate when you want them to know you are thinking of them. Now you know what your dog feels when he accidentally crosses your invisible fence. 

Not surprisingly, most people want none of this stuff. True, you might actually need a new pair of slippers, or your hair dryer is on its last legs. Perhaps ten years ago you would have toughed it out, then dropped generous hints come Thanksgiving that if Santa was looking for a good idea that yes, you could really use a new pair of black gloves. Now it's far more likely that if anything you own is really an issue, you punch up Amazon, find a replacement that does the trick, and it shows up in 37 minutes at your front door. No reindeer sleigh necessary. 

Perhaps all that is why a recent survey says don't even try and find the perfect aroma candle. Early Warning Services, a fintech company owned by seven of the country's largest banks, just released the latest data from their October survey on the top gift for the coming season. And perhaps not surprisingly, it's not a physical thing at all, but cash. According to Ravi Loganathan, the company's Chief Data Officer, "For the second year in a row, our annual Holiday Survey found that people not only desire money as a gift, but are increasingly preferring it beyond physical gifts." Like almost everything else these days, Loganathan attributes this to our increasing use of technology and the internet: "Today's digital natives have a new understanding of what it means to give and receive." 

Across all generations, money for personal spending is the number one gift when ranked against anything else: 35% of all respondents put receiving money for personal spending as the gift they'd rather receive this holiday season, followed by the gift of an experience (22%), money for an experience (17%) and money for bills (13%). Among younger people, the numbers are even higher: Gen Z'ers are most likely to appreciate money as a gift, with 66% of respondents stating they prefer it because it allows them to spend on whatever they want or need. 

So put down that faux fur stocking cap. Cancel the order for the panini press. And return that weighed blanket. While you may have spent hours finding the perfect sponge holder and its ilk, most of that stuff will only get returned or regifted. Give them what they really want, which is not a replica Benjamin Franklin Kite and Key set, but actual Benjamins. It seems that for most, the best bottom line is really the bottom line.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford wants no bills for the holidays. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Strategic Supplies

I know how the Swiss feel. 

It's not because I'm generally neutral on things: I don't' really have a favorite meal or movie or vacation destination. It's not because I like to keep my financial transactions private: while I do have a Venmo account, it is set to stay mum when I use it. And it's not because I like chocolate: I do. Period. 

No, the reason I feel simpatico with them is that we too have a matching strategic reserve. Those are stockpiles that a country holds because they want to protect their citizens against the potential of a market shortage. For example, in this country, we have the Strategic Petroleum Reserve or the SPR. Maintained by the Department of Energy, the SPR is the largest emergency supply of its kind in the world, capable of holding up to 727 million barrels of oil. Squirreled away in vast underground caverns in Texas and Louisiana, the SPR acts as a hedge against supply shortages, whether they are caused by political forces or natural disasters. 

While the petroleum reserve is the most well know, it is hardly the only one. The Centers for Disease Control manages the Strategic National Stockpile, which includes millions of doses of vaccines, antidotes, antitoxins, antibiotics, and other medications. Scattered in warehouses across the nation, the idea is to be able to deliver the requisite medications within 12 hours of a natural disaster, disease outbreak and biological terrorist attack. Canada has a strategic maple syrup reserve, which is designed to smooth out supply glitches when maple trees turn fickle. India has cotton stockpiled to the tune of about 2.5 million bales as a, well, cushion against harvest issues. And starting in World War II, we have had a National Raisin Reserve, though it was less about protecting against shortages than in maintaining prices. Indeed, in 2015 the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional, and decreed you have the right to let your grapes shrivel without federal interference. 

Still, reserves can serve a vital interest. Consider the National Helium Reserve, which was established in 1925. While the need for the gas has slackened now that dirigibles aren't considered state-of-the-art, it is a handy element to have. Still, in the name of deregulation, the Helium Privatization Act of 1996 started phasing out the Reserve, and even though it was extended by further legislation in 2013, the final stores are set to be sold off by 2021. All well and good, until you consider that this gas, used in MRI machines, research, and the production of fiber optic cables and computer chips, is experiencing a shortage. And without the cushion of a strategic reserve, prices have jumped 135% in a year. So until new supplies are discovered and new plants come on line, expect birthday balloons to droop and the Macy's Parade to be a bit less high flying. 

What does all this have to do with the Swiss? Well, while the country has strategic reserves of gas, jet fuel and heating oil as well as sugar, edible oils and animal feed, it also has a stockpile of coffee. Saying that the beverage is not "vital for life" it decided back in April to explore phasing out the 15,000 ton stash. And it set November of this year as the date for a final decision. But after a massive outcry, as well pressure from the industry group IG Kaffee and companies such as beverage heavyweight Nestle and supermarket chain Migros, the government just announced that it was reviewing its decision. As one of the world's biggest consumers of Joe, with the populace consuming nearly 20 pounds of coffee beans per person per year, the powers that be are reconsidering just how "vital for life" it is. As many have pointed out, they are waking up to smell the coffee. 

And the connection to me? Open the top cabinet in the kitchen in our house and you are likely to be hit on the head by a pound of two raining down from on high. Yes, honey, I know it's good to buy when on sale, and we will go through it. But at least for now, should the Swiss decide it's not in their national interest to keep a few beans for a rainy day, I will gladly offer up some of our reserve. As for payment, no currency needs to change hands. We have coffee, they have chocolate: need I say more?

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford enjoys coffee hot and cold. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Everyday Superpowers

As we got close to show time, I gave the crew the usual warning that it would be their last chance for a bathroom break for a while. Unlike audience members who can get up and leave at any point, those of us responsible to make live shows happen don't have that luxury. From the time the action starts on stage until it takes a breather, we are obligated not to leave our positions. As such, a reminder to all of an available window to take a "bio break" is a standard courtesy for those who toil backstage. 

Also standard is an acknowledgement on the party line intercom system that one is indeed taking advantage of the opportunity. This is so all know that for that brief period of time that you are not available to operate your particular station, be it lights or sound or whatever. It may seem strange that a bunch of adults announces to each other that they are going to the bathroom like a group of toddlers, but it is an action born of necessity, and is part of the usual rituals of the job. 

Usually the report is simple: "Audio off" or "Lights walking away." Likewise, when a person returns, they announce that fact as well: "Video back" or "Switch here." Nothing more is required. But crews are like large families, and the more you work with each other the more you take liberties with routine comments. So it was hardly surprising when Patrick came back on headset and announced "Tape went and back," and then added a postscript: "But I didn't go for everyone." 

Of course, that begged the question: why not? And so a discussion was started: wouldn't that be a great superpower to have? After all, being able to be invisible, or to turn water into ice, or to teleport across a room is all well and good. But what superpowers would be really useful in the lives we now lead? If Patrick could indeed save poor folks from the need to stop what they were doing and go to the necessary room, Rest Room Man would truly be hailed as a savior. But he needed a better name: the consensus choice was Captain Pee Pee. 

It's not like there aren't other established superheroes with talents of questionable use. In "Legion of Super Heroes" there's a guy named Bouncing Boy. He can inflate himself to a giant beach ball shape, which enables him to, well, bounce. Not sure how that would take a bad guy out. X-Force's Gin Genie is able to generate seismic waves, a powerful weapon. Unfortunately the strength of the waves is equal to her blood alcohol level. So the only way she can use her powers is to be drunk, in which case she has no control over them, in which case she mows down her buddies as often as the villains. And then there's Stone Boy. As the name implies, he can turn himself into stone. But that's it. Turns. To. Stone. Unless there's a massive slab about to swing shut on humanity and he makes himself into a doorstop, it's a power of questionable utility. 

So back to Patrick. We decided his rest room powers would be up there with Garbage Girl, able to remember that it's garbage day, with powers to race around the house collecting refuse that morning and still get the cans to the curb before the truck arrives. Or Company Coming Guy, who, when the phones rings to say that someone is dropping by, could dust and pick up super fast before the doorbell rings. Or Laundry Lady, who could sort whites and colors in a flash, and boost the spin cycle to supersonic speeds to get it all done before you leave for work. 

Thankfully the time came for our session to start and we left our diversion behind. We spent the next 90 minutes focusing on the sound, lights and visuals that made for an effective presentation. Some Q&A with the crowd, and we wrapped another session showcasing the latest in marketing credit cards or drugs or something. It was time for a break, but some of us couldn't leave, as we had to rehearse the next session. If only the Captain were there to save us.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford would be known as Nap Man. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Pork TV

They say that this is the golden age of television. Far, far removed from the days of just three networks, there are now more outlets offering up more series than ever before. In fact there is speculation that next year's fall season might just be the last for the traditional roll out of new shows, based on the simple fact that they are rolling out new shows everywhere all the time. It was just a few short years ago that Netflix was revolutionary, becoming the first non over-the-air or cable service to offer up an episodic offering. Now Amazon, Hulu and CBS All Access are not only viable alternatives to traditional outlets, but compete with and even best them as measured by viewers, awards or just water cooler buzz.

To be sure, as in most areas, the field is dominated by a few major players. With production and marketing budgets in the millions, their offerings are the ones you hear about most often. That doesn't mean that they are the best, just merely the best promoted. Take the flagship offering from Apple's new service, Apple TV+. Called "The Morning Show," it stars such bankable names as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Carell and Reese Witherspoon. Yet all that talent doesn't make it a "must watch." As one review put it, "It's familiar, which is no sin, but it's unmemorable, which is no asset." It continues: "Apple founder Steve Jobs was fond of the line, ‘Good artists copy; great artists steal.' Thus far, ‘The Morning Show' is not worth calling the cops on." That has got to truly hurt the Cupertino faithful.

"The Morning Show" and its siblings may have unusual parents and unique distribution models, but at their hearts they are still old school TV, be they comedy, drama or some hybrid. Subject matter and sensibilities aside, they would be equally at home on CBS at 9:00PM on a Thursday night. That's not something you can say about a new series that debuted this week from the National Pork Board. Not only you can view it on YouTube, Facebook or even a virtual reality Headset, it's unlikely to be found sandwiched between "Chicago Med, "Chicago Fire" and "Chicago P.D." even if it is also shot in the Midwest.

Filmed in partnership with the Minnesota Pork Board and Christensen Farms located in Sleepy Eye, MN, it's called "Pig Farming: The VR Experience." Shot with a 360 degree camera that enables you to look around the tour progresses, it's hosted by a 7th generation farmer named Maddie Hokanson. She takes viewers on a walk through gestation, farrowing, nursery and finishing barns, and uses animation and line drawings to explain the process that turns piglets into bacon. Hokanson is a natural on camera, not to mention being authentic: she's a graduate of South Dakota State with a degree in Agricultural Education, as well as having been named the inaugural Pig Farmer of Tomorrow in 2017. 

If pigs aren't your thing there are lots of other web series that might interest you. You might have heard of Zach Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns," or Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." Beyond that there are ones for every taste. If you are a travel buff, check out "Discover Puerto Rico with Lin-Manuel Miranda." If you like talk shows, listen in on three generations of women on "Red Table Talk" with Jada Pinkett Smith, Willow Smith and Adrienne Banfield-Norris. If you want more traditional Rom-Coms, there's "Sideswiped," while "Sorry For Your Loss" feels more like a big screen film about a young widow. And "Bumbld" is a "raw and unapologetic account of the 'swipe culture' from the female perspective." It's sort of an updated, more profane and funnier version of "Sex and the City" delivered in sub three-minute installments.

Being a mass media consumer used to be easy. The choices were few, the cost non-existent. Now you have options galore, with an ala carte menu that resembles the offerings at a 24-hour diner, and a pricing structure where you spend in increments so small that you don't realize that you've dropped $100 in a month. Viewers are couch potatoes no more, but rather couch commandos, juggling multiple screens and jockeying multiple remotes. Pick what you like, though you should check out Maddie: we all know that everything is made better with bacon.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford would actually rather read a book than watch a screen. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

On Beyond Alexa

Not five years ago, if you wanted to find out the distance from San Antonio to Dallas, you had several choices. You could take an almanac down from a shelf. You could go online and type in your query. Or you could ask your dad.  All three would generally work, though the last would likely result in a digression about the types of barbeque in Texas.

But since a baby named Alexa came into all our lives, we need only to speak and we get a response. Time when the sun is going to set? Weather the following day? Last Nicolas Cage film? Ask and it gets answered. Amazon succeeded in the same way that Apple did, by creating a device we didn't know we needed or wanted, but one that quickly became ingrained in our daily lives.

In relatively short order they spun out a litter of line extensions beyond the original Echo device, including the Dot, the Look, the Show and the Spot. Others followed suit: Google, Sonos and JBL all created so-called smart speakers that listened to your voice and responded. Amazon itself made Alexa a standalone system, so that the voice recognition technology at its heart could be used in phones and cars, enabling you to interact with multiple devices without ever laying a finger on a keyboard.

The question is what's next. Well, this past month Amazon showed its hand, along with its eyes and ears. First there are the Echo Frames. Looking like a pair of chunky Warby Parker specs, these Alexa enabled glasses take a different approach than the ill-fated Google Glasses. Rather than using a camera to interact with the world around you, they have a built-in microphone and speakers that sit right over your ears. Whisper sweet nothings, and they will whisper back to you. It will only look like you're talking to yourself, until you stop and cock your head like Nipper to hear the response.

Should your eyes not need correction, you can get the same serviceability with Echo Buds. Much like the appliance Joaquin Phoenix used to interact with Samantha the operating system in "Her," it's a pair of small earpieces that speak when spoken to. Whereas the Echo Frames look like a "thing," the Buds appear similar to many other earpieces used for listing to music. As such, it's not immediately apparent to others that you are connected to something else. Folks who note your using them will move away quickly, as it will seem as though you are hearing voices. And they won't be wrong.

Then there's the Echo Ring. Not something Frodo would quest for, this packs the same functionality of the former devices into a, well, ring. Put your hand near your mouth and speak, then slide it towards your ear to hear. Or split the difference and assume a contemplative pose with your hand on your cheek, speaking softy while listening to the response. Watch for kids taking SAT tests being forced to remove all their jewelry lest they sneak this one past the proctor.

Have we jumped the shark yet with this? Will there be Echo belts? Echo shoes? Echo underwear? More likely it will go from exterior to interior. Back in college some friends made a spoof film which featured a futuristic phone that wasn't carried, but implanted. You tapped your right temple to answer, your left to put a call on hold and switch to another. The guy in the movie wound up slapping himself silly as he took call after call. It seemed comical then, but seen from the perspective of what has been developed today it was instead prescient. Little did my buddies know then that had they patented the idea back in 1976 they could have been zillionaires today.

Then again maybe it's not the delivery but the voice. Regardless of the type of Echo you use, you'll soon be able to say, "Alexa, introduce me to Samuel L. Jackson." And rather than a neutral female response, you'll get the actor responding to your queries. Imagine the weather, or a cooking timer in his distinctive cadence. Just don't push your luck, or he could come back with a quote from his character in the Avengers: "Given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it." So much for machines doing our biding.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford uses his Echo to time his baking. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.