They fight. They bicker. They accuse each other of lying, cheating and dirty double crossing. And while that certainly describes your kids, it also describes the usual state of Congress. It's hard to pinpoint the exact time that it went from being the world's greatest deliberative body, a place where Tip O'Neil was golfing buddies with Gerald Ford, to a tribal society and a barely functioning branch of government.
Except recently. Responding to a situation without precedent, both sides came together to pass legislation, this time a massive injection of capital into an economy that had its doors blown off. A process that usually takes months of back and forth, filled with recriminations, bluster, demands, delays, maneuvers and accusations, took under a week, though still with the requisite recriminations, bluster, demands, delays, maneuvers and accusations. Neither side got all that it wanted, nor was able to strip out all that it didn't. But in the immortal words of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to his own conference, all legislators felt that they had no choice but to "gag and vote for it anyway."
Even with all that is in the CARES Act, no one expects it to be the last word. With such massive disruption and damage, Congress will be formulating more legislation to help. Some will likely be broad based, aimed at every part of society, while others will be highly targeted, seeking to alleviate specific issues. Word is that conference staffers are busy hammering out the fine print on the following legislation.
The Toilet Paper for All Act (TPAA).
Aimed at insuring there are enough supplies of this vital natural resource, this Act will mandate that all essential and appropriate stores maintain a supply of toilet paper "sufficient for every shopper to get an 8-pack once every 2 weeks." It will establish a national frequent shopper card which will be able to be "marked, punched or otherwise electrically registered" to show participation. Further, the Act will also establish penalties for those who are discovered hoarding, in the form of confiscation and substitution with old copies of newspaper sales circulars.
Tom Hanks' Law.
Named for the famed actor, the first major celebrity to test positive for COVID19, and coincidentally star of a movie in which a man survives in isolation for four years ("Castaway") AND one in which is forced to live in the same space for months ("The Terminal"). The bill gives a Netflix credit to every American household equal to the cost of renting 2 "positive" movies from the Hanks catalog. A Congressional commission will be established to provide recommendations beyond "Toy Story" and "Big."
National Walk to Energy Power Initiative ("WE" Power).
Funding for a Department of Energy program that originated at Stamford University, this program was in its infancy before this year. It focused on the development of a small clip-on rechargeable battery that people could attach to their shoe when walking, the act of which would recharge the battery. Upon returning home, people would remove the battery and fit it into a device which would upload that power to the national grid, repeating the process on their next walk. With so many people out strolling because they have nothing else to do, what had been a pilot program now has the potential to outpace all other energy sources combined.
The Share with Your Sister Act ("Phoebe's Law").
The Act directs the Secretary of the Treasury to immediately send to every parent with more than two children under the age of 10 an amount equal to the total allowance of all children in a given household. The intent is to alleviate issues wherein children are forced to share scarce resources such as iPad chargers and Nintendo controllers by giving parents the funds to create incentives for siblings to "play nice." The Act further sets up an online arbitration panel to be staffed by trained hostage negotiators which will be available 24/7 to expeditiously adjudicate "did/did not" issues, and award damages to be paid by the parents from the fund.
National Strategic Stockpile of Rice and Beans ("R&B for All" Act).
This reservoir of critical food stuffs would be created by filling the Grand Canyon with rice, while Zion would be designated for beans. Proposed headquarters would be Detroit; R&D would take place in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford wonders why all legislation can't be done in a week. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
Except recently. Responding to a situation without precedent, both sides came together to pass legislation, this time a massive injection of capital into an economy that had its doors blown off. A process that usually takes months of back and forth, filled with recriminations, bluster, demands, delays, maneuvers and accusations, took under a week, though still with the requisite recriminations, bluster, demands, delays, maneuvers and accusations. Neither side got all that it wanted, nor was able to strip out all that it didn't. But in the immortal words of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to his own conference, all legislators felt that they had no choice but to "gag and vote for it anyway."
Even with all that is in the CARES Act, no one expects it to be the last word. With such massive disruption and damage, Congress will be formulating more legislation to help. Some will likely be broad based, aimed at every part of society, while others will be highly targeted, seeking to alleviate specific issues. Word is that conference staffers are busy hammering out the fine print on the following legislation.
The Toilet Paper for All Act (TPAA).
Aimed at insuring there are enough supplies of this vital natural resource, this Act will mandate that all essential and appropriate stores maintain a supply of toilet paper "sufficient for every shopper to get an 8-pack once every 2 weeks." It will establish a national frequent shopper card which will be able to be "marked, punched or otherwise electrically registered" to show participation. Further, the Act will also establish penalties for those who are discovered hoarding, in the form of confiscation and substitution with old copies of newspaper sales circulars.
Tom Hanks' Law.
Named for the famed actor, the first major celebrity to test positive for COVID19, and coincidentally star of a movie in which a man survives in isolation for four years ("Castaway") AND one in which is forced to live in the same space for months ("The Terminal"). The bill gives a Netflix credit to every American household equal to the cost of renting 2 "positive" movies from the Hanks catalog. A Congressional commission will be established to provide recommendations beyond "Toy Story" and "Big."
National Walk to Energy Power Initiative ("WE" Power).
Funding for a Department of Energy program that originated at Stamford University, this program was in its infancy before this year. It focused on the development of a small clip-on rechargeable battery that people could attach to their shoe when walking, the act of which would recharge the battery. Upon returning home, people would remove the battery and fit it into a device which would upload that power to the national grid, repeating the process on their next walk. With so many people out strolling because they have nothing else to do, what had been a pilot program now has the potential to outpace all other energy sources combined.
The Share with Your Sister Act ("Phoebe's Law").
The Act directs the Secretary of the Treasury to immediately send to every parent with more than two children under the age of 10 an amount equal to the total allowance of all children in a given household. The intent is to alleviate issues wherein children are forced to share scarce resources such as iPad chargers and Nintendo controllers by giving parents the funds to create incentives for siblings to "play nice." The Act further sets up an online arbitration panel to be staffed by trained hostage negotiators which will be available 24/7 to expeditiously adjudicate "did/did not" issues, and award damages to be paid by the parents from the fund.
National Strategic Stockpile of Rice and Beans ("R&B for All" Act).
This reservoir of critical food stuffs would be created by filling the Grand Canyon with rice, while Zion would be designated for beans. Proposed headquarters would be Detroit; R&D would take place in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford wonders why all legislation can't be done in a week. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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