Welcome to the 2057 introduction of latest iPhone! It's hard to believe it was 50 years ago when Steve introduced the first model. It was a smartphone, yes. But it was also a camera, a calendar, a music player, a browser: the list goes on and on. And while it was revolutionary for the time, by today's standards it was positively prehistoric. Still, it was a baby step, and today we are taking a giant leap.
Introducing the iPhone 35. Thinner, lighter than any model we've made before, the 35 is almost invisible. In fact, the biggest problem with this phone is that I can't really show it to you. It's not that it's not in production or that you can't buy one. It's that it's, well, implanted. See this small line on my forearm? It's under there. Don't believe me? Let me walk over to this ultrasound machine and put my arm in and, there it is! We call it the iPlant.
It takes just a 10-minute operation at any Genius Bar to get fitted out. There's no pain, no mess, no discomfort involved. The iSurgery kit is foolproof and simple, and our Geniuses fully trained at Apple General. Just make an appointment, have your credit card and health chip scanned, and you'll be throwing away your old Airpods in no time.
Aside from its physical traits, what makes the iPlant so revolutionary? Well, paired with our groundbreaking iMeld technology, all you need to do is think what you want and it will happen. Whether it's to make a call, listen to a song, or add to your calendar, as soon the thought crosses you mind, Siri does it. Let's say I want to call my wife. I just think "call my wife" and Oh! Hi honey! Didn't mean to bother you, just showing off for the folks. Yes, salmon would be great for dinner tonight, see you around seven!
While the brain of the iPlant is in your arm, the power, memory and antennas are in this wrap-around belt. Super thin and comfortable, you put it on under your clothes when you get dressed. You'll forget you have it on! You'll notice that when I put my arm by my side it lines up exactly with the belt, recharging, updating news feeds, checking your date book, retrieving the latest music. The belt has a small nuclear power unit in it, so it needs fresh fuel every 6 years or so. I think you'll make it through the day!
But the iPhone 35 is more than just another implanted connectivity device. It has been designed to have access to the most advanced network ever invented. It seamlessly connects to the our new 47G mesh hyper-connected dual capillary quantified SYSOPS network. That means that it actually transmits data in anticipation of when you need it. Not just in time, not instantly, but before: we call it Peremptory Information, or PreFo.
What does this mean in practice? Let's say you're thinking of ordering Chinese food for dinner. Just that thought triggers PreFo to place an order. With the speed of 47G, as you work through each aspect of your order it is put into action immediately. By the time you decide white or brown rice, it will be at your – oh, excuse me! Siri just informed me that they just delivered my tofu lo mein with extra soy sauce just off stage. Man, am I hungry!
I know what you're thinking – and not just because I have iPlant! How do I take pictures? How do I look at a website? Well, the iPlant comes paired with the new iLens. These contact-like lenses function as both camera and display. Wink left to take a picture, wink right to scroll a page. And they come in multiple colors: today you can have BabyBlues, tomorrow SmokyHazel.
There's so much more to the new iPhone 35. Build in GPS locator so you are truly never lost. Pairable with your car and house so you have instant access as soon as you are within range. You can even use it to record your dreams, then play them back on your TV for the family… just make sure the little ones are in bed!.
The new iPhone 35, the iPlant. It's more than a part of your life: it's a part of you! Get yours today!
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Marc Wollin of Bedford just wants a phone to make a call. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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