Everyday Superpowers

One of the biggest movie releases for the holiday season will be "Wonder Woman 1984." Big because it's a sequel to a major league hit from 2017. Big because it features the stars from the first flick, Gal Gadot and Chris Pine. Big because it's being released online and in theaters, which means it has the possibility of reaching a huge audience that won't venture beyond their driveways on the busiest movie week of the year. 

As with these kinds of films, the plot is secondary. It's all about watching our hero strut her stuff and vanquish the bad guys, in this case Max Lord and The Cheetah. She does that by using her superpowers, which include superhuman strength and durability, the power of flight, superhuman speed, reflexes, and agility, and enhanced senses, including smell, vision, and hearing. No one trick pony she, Princess Diana of Themyscira has all that as well as the Lasso of Truth, a pair of indestructible bracelets and a tiara which serves as a projectile.

To put it mildly, the lady is packing. Heck, even Oddjob only had a just a steel rimmed bowler. And while it's true that these days we all wear a mask, it's unlikely we have a latex suit or thigh high boots. Still, while most of us don't come equipped with that range of abilities or special tools, it's not that we don't have superpowers. It's just that they are of a, well, more pedestrian variety.

Ask around and you will find all manner of supernatural abilities that folks keep under their hats, and try hard to use only for good vs evil. And we're not talking things that make you super just because you're good at it. You might be a really excellent vacuum-er, or great at exercising, or are a safe driver. Or as one person put it, "I can time travel. But only forwards. And in one second increments." Nah, that don't count.

We're talking about those sixth sense kind of things, those tasks that stump mere mortals, but for which you are, for some reason unnaturally, even scarily good. In my wife's case, it's knowing exactly which Tupperware container is right to hold the leftovers. If I try and pour the leftover spaghetti sauce into a plastic holder, invariably I pick one too big and have lots of extra space. Or I choose one too small and have to get out a second one for the overflow. She sizes up what is in the pot, roots though the drawer and picks one that she fills just to the brim and no more, so much so that it looks likes she measured it or it came off a store shelf. Freaky, huh?

Our oldest son says his power is being able to split a wine bottle perfectly. When I do it everyone gets more or less the same, but it rarely is a equitable split. Not him. No matter how many glasses, how much is in the bottle, he can pour EXACTLY equal amounts so all feel like they are on level ground with the rest of drinkers. I know, it's uncanny.

Check around and odds are you will find others gifted with unique talents. One person says he has the ability to always insert a USB drive in any computer right side up the first time. Another says that even if barely paying attention she can sense when the microwave buzzer is going to go off, and opens the door with exactly 1 second left. Still another notes that he is basically invisible, in that he can meet someone 5 times and they still won't remember who he is. Handy at the store when you go back for another free sample.

It's also worth noting that superpowers are not always a good thing. One person noted that "I have the superhuman ability to pick the line at the store that takes the longest amount of time to get through." Since I seem to be able to do the same with toll booths, perhaps we should form an alliance.

Then there's the person who said they had an uncanny ability to change his wife's mood with a single sentence. The problem is that sometimes it was for good, sometimes for evil, and he still hadn't figured out which way it would go. Superpowers you can't control; that's the worst.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford is still trying to figure out at what he is super. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

The Week Before Xmas

It's the week before Xmas and we're rounding the bend 
On a year most are happy to see come to an end
For if nice things were happening at the start of the term
Now the tequila's all gone, and we're left with the worm

We always knew that this year could be a stinker of sorts
We even thought the election might end up in court
And none thought the players would stay high and nice
More likely it would feel like your head's in a vice

Still, had you looked to the horizon at this time last year
Some storms a' brewing, but not likely fear
So much has happened, yet how soon we forget
For now all you see every breath as a threat

The years started with fires, in the land way down under
The Aussies were coping with a world that was plundered
Meanwhile, Harry and Meghan lit a fire of their own
Said goodbye to the Queen, made the US their home

Though the end was foretold, the charges couldn't be blocked
And so for just the third time we dragged a Pres to the dock
There was much sturm und drang, but in just a few weeks
It was over and done, just history impeached

At that point it seemed like the rest of the time
Would be all about voting, and ads filled with slime
Then March came in like a lion, forgot to leave like a lamb
And each of us breathing were deep in a jam

The country shut down, except for those brave at the front
And not just the doctors, but the rest taking the brunt
Drivers and grocers and folks cleaning the carts
Cooks and repairmen, nurses checking the charts

The Olympics were postponed, the conventions pushed into air
Dining together was not to be dared
Nothing was physical, it was delivery or Zoom
And hope that your WiFi didn't go "boom"

The summer brought riots, and justice demanded
A contentious election, though results finally landed
Fires in the west, murder hornets in the air
It was definitely a year to pull out your hair

But some light to be seen, though it will take some time
Vaxes starting to work, but it won't turn on a dime
It will be well into next year when things start to settle
Until then we'll just have to keep up our mettle

So let's just leave it at that, and let me say to you here
Many thanks for reading this space through the year
Be safe, hold your loved ones, and until this is done
Let's all cross our fingers for a better ‘21

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford wishes all a safe holiday. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Holiday Shopping

You could be forgiven if you're having problems getting into the holiday gift giving spirit. After all, you're not driving anywhere so you don't see any lights and displays. You're not wandering through stores, so you don't see any Christmas sales. You've been barred from going to tree lightings, office parties and Mistletoe Marts. About the only way you know you should be thinking about it is by the banner ads that pop up every time you punch into Amazon, which, truth be told, is basically every day.

Then again, what does one give this year? With apologies to John Steinbeck, this winter will be one of our most discontented, as we wait for our number to be called versus being up. The good news is that we know how to make it to that point. While the guidelines seem to be ever evolving, none so far are so onerous as to be impossible or even difficult. Not to minimize the negative effects on society, but if your goal is to not get sick, then the inconveniences of wearing a mask, avoiding crowds and traveling only when necessary are manageable. It's not as if you have to only breathe pure oxygen, or coat yourself in Vaseline, or only eat Snickers bars. That said, I would happily do the last to stay alive.

But I digress. In this environment, what gifts will mean the most? The usual standbys don't seem to be appropriate. Sure, a new skirt or pair of pants is nice, but all one really needs are Zoom tops. Pocketbook? Briefcase? For a commute from the kitchen table to the basement? And theatre tickets, movie passes and coupons for concerts are only good if they have shelf life of at least 12 months, and even then have to be exchangeable for a later date as needed.

So what could a person use that would be new or more or different? Kitchen stuff is a winner. If the usual week night rotation of burgers, spaghetti, chicken, stir fry and sandwiches is getting old, challenge your house chef with Foodie Dice. Roll the five primary dice to come up with options on protein, cooking methods, herbs and more. Add in 4 seasonal veggie squares, and you'll have over 186,000 combinations. On the other hand, if your spouse loves that you are into cooking healthy with lots of fish but hates the constant smell of salmon, perhaps a Cranberry Marmalade scented candle would delight. And if you are like me and have to take out all the measuring cups to figure out which is which, Welcome Industries' visual measuring cups look just like what they are: a whole, half, third or quarter. Now your chef's banana bread will have just the right amount of nuts.

Whimsy is in short supply, so perhaps it would be best to amuse. Since you are spending a lot of time on the couch, perhaps a Danny DeVito pillow cover would tickle someone's fancy. To lighten the mood maybe a rubber chicken finger slingshot would be a fun diversion. Or for the gift that just says "What?!" how about sending your long-distance bestie a potato with their face on it? Not to worry: the pros at Anonymous Potato know how to center any image on a spud.

Of course we are all living on screens, so anything to make that experience better and more streamlined will likely be appreciated. A wireless mouse, a better microphone, a laptop stand; each was a nice-to-have, but now has become as indispensable as a good pair of shoes (don't need those anymore!). Then there are those items you would never have ever known about, let alone buy for your formally tech nerd other. A green screen for their video calls. A ring light to even out their harsh edges. A mesh router system for better coverage throughout your home. Because nothing says "I love you" better than having 4 bars.

Regardless what you choose, try and keep in mind the spirit of the season, and the qualities of thankfulness, gratitude and humility. Great literature can remind you of that, and can carry particular significance in these trying times. In that light, might I humbly suggest you can find no better sentiments than those contained in O Henry's masterpiece, slightly updated for today: "The Gift of the Wifi." Happy shopping.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford is having a hard time finding appropriate gifts this year. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Progress of a Sort

Doesn't matter the venue, most steps that push progress forward are the stuff of babies. They are evolutionary rather than revolutionary, building or tweaking an existing method or feature to extend the envelope a little further. Your new car might come with LED lights vs standard bulbs. Nice to look to at, but the net result is nothing significantly different to light your way. Or your new vacuum might employ a higher speed motor to pull more dirt out of your carpet. It may be great at sucking up pet hair, but it still requires rolling forward and back to clean up the family room. And that Multi-Peel Y-shaped Julienne Peeler might indeed be easier on your hands. But you still need to rake it across your zucchini to make zoodles.

It's rare that something is truly "new." That's because it takes a leap of imagination that few of us have to come up with a different way of looking at things. Henry Ford gets the credit, and though he didn't actually say it it rings true nonetheless: "If I'd ask customers what they wanted, they would've told me a faster horse." Steve Jobs built on that by pointing out that "People don't know what they want until you show it to them. That's why I never rely on market research. Our task is to read things that are not yet on the page."

That unwritten book is the stuff of inflection points. There is before the Sony Walkman and after, before the Apple iPhone and after, before Amazon Alexa and after. Once each was introduced others rushed to make "me too" variations, some better some worse, as well as multiple spin offs and accessories which themselves grew into cottage industries. But once you got used to using a mouse, it's hard to imagine not having one. 

Then again, not all things imagined till now are necessarily a good idea. Take the latest from Amazon, the Ring Always Home Cam. The Ring brand started as a smarter doorbell, one which transmitted video to your phone when the button was pressed. Not a bad idea, marrying a door knocker to a security camera. Line extensions have followed, including stand-alone security systems with cameras and detectors, and smart lighting that turns on when triggered by motion.

But what if you get an alert and can't tell where the breach is? The Ring Always Home Cam doesn't just pan and zoom in on the trouble spot, it literally goes there. It's basically an autonomous miniature drone with a camera that flies to the point in question, transmitting a live feed to your phone. That way you can see the burglar as he comes in and, well, what? Follow him around? Watch him knock it out of the air? Until they sell the death laser accessory pack to go with it, probably the best use is to patrol the house when you go out for the night to make sure your kid doesn't raid the liquor cabinet.

Or you can go the other way. Justine Haupt is a Science Associate at the Brookhaven National Lab, specializing in research on cosmology, radio astronomy and quantum instrumentation. Like many, in her spare time she like to putter. But where my version of puttering involves running an extension cord under the couch, hers involves things like a metrological test stand for CCD flatness characterization. 

That level of technical acumen led her to develop a sort-of-retro rotary 4G cell phone. Justine eschews smartphones, but wanted something to replace her old flip phone that tapped into some of the more useful features of that today's devices. While still in development (a DIY kit is due out in the spring), her design marries the innards of a LTE phone with a rotary dial and a mechanical ringer, along with an e-ink screen to show numbers called and incoming. It's kind of Frankenstein-esque, but much cuter.

Justine's phone may be a step back and the Ring drone a step forward. But which defines progress? Is it the thing that pushes the envelope that you would never use, or the one that does so selectively and you can't wait to try? I know what I would pick. Justine, please put me down for one in Atomic Hotline Red.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford likes to be on the trailing edge of hi tech. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.