Two-time Pulitzer Prize winner Colson Whitehead's latest book "Harlem Shuffle" centers on a petty criminal named Ray Carney. Carney is a fence, a minor yet essential player in the criminal firmament, whom Whitehead describes as "only slightly bent when it came to being crooked." Asked in one interview whether there was any criminality in his own background which helped him to flesh out Carney's character, Whitehead confessed that, alas, he is a Boy scout: his only overt theft was that of WiFi.
In that respect he is like many if not most of us. By and large we follow the rules and laws, and generally don't engage in murders, robbery or other major crimes. Still, there are multiple petty offences we do commit willfully, rationalizing them as victimless or harmless. In other cases we cross the line without knowledge of the statute we are breaking, a concept known legally known as "ignorantia juris non excusat." You don't need a degree in Latin to translate that as "stupid don't make for a defense."
The list of our everyday transgressions is ubiquitous. WiFi theft is certainly one of them: I for one don't have enough fingers to count the times I've pulled up next to a Starbucks or other café and tapped into their signal without going in and buying anything. Ever share a Netflix or similar password with a friend? Expressly forbidden in their user agreement. Likewise using a false name or alias on a website. That's a no-no, as most sites specifically ask you to use and register your real name and contact info. And who among us can throw the first stone professing to never having used their cell phone while driving? Dangerous for sure, and guilty without a doubt.
Then there's the whole world of copyright. That's the protection of material created by others who then have the right to be compensated when it is used. In prehistoric times that meant that you were breaking the law if you made a photocopy of a magazine article to share with a class or friends. But that was mere shoplifting as compared to the bank heist that happens with the internet. Now pictures, music, videos – anything and everything that is posted online – is routinely "borrowed" for other uses without permission or compensation. That New Yorker cartoon you put in your PowerPoint? Guilty! That Smashmouth song you run behind that montage of little league pics? Guilty! That movie clip of from a James Bond flick that you added to your vacation highlight video? Guilty! For the record, that's guilty, guilty and guilty!
There's a myriad of other crimes that are black letter law pure and simple, but rarely get called out. Ever go over the speed limit? More often than not, if it's within a 5 to 10 an hour bumper, the cops will let you slide. Ever duck into the bushes to relieve yourself? There are most likely ordinances that forbid exposing yourself in a public place even if you just have to go. Cross the street between intersections or while the light is red? While it may not be a federal crime, there are laws on the books of most municipalities prohibiting exactly that. And what about taking your spouse's antihistamine? It actually is a federal offense to take medication not prescribed for you, but according to the American College of Preventative Medicine, people get nearly 60% of prescription drugs from family and friends. We'll see you all in court.
Even being a good citizen and preventing the spread of COVID can run you afoul of the law. We're not talking whether or not you abide by mask or vaccine mandates. But if you take your mask and hang it from your rearview mirror on your way to your next appointment, in many municipalities it is no more legal than fuzzy dice or air fresheners. On your face, legal and encouraged. On your windshield, not so much.
In in most cases our flirting with the wrong side of the law is thankfully harmless even if technically wrong. Indeed, if pushed to a life of crime, most of us would likely be inept criminals rather than smooth ones. Or as Rodney Dangerfield put it, "Once a guy pulled a knife on me, but I knew he wasn't a professional because the knife had butter on it."
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Marc Wollin of Bedford tries to follow the rules. Mostly. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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