On the mantle in the living room sits one of my favorite gifts of all time, one my wife gave to me more than 30 years ago. A handmade clock, it consists of various brass gears that rotate as the time advances. On those gears are 6 little men, and as the gears turn the little figures look as if they pushing or pulling the rings. Designed by artist Gordan Bradt, I was told it came with a lifetime guarantee: lifetime of the artist, that is. As long as he was alive, he would be happy to fix it. (In truth you can ship it to his shop and they will repair and recondition it.)
You assume that most things you buy new have some sort of the guarantee attached to them. Usually they are much more limited in scope, protecting you only if the item has some obvious defect. It might be backed by the manufacturer, the distributer, or even the store that sells it. The point is not that you can't get a bad item; it's that if no one stands behind it you won't ever be a repeat customer. And so whether it's a car or a cardigan, if it rips or breaks in the first bunch of outings through no fault of your own, someone on the front end will repair or replace it on their dime.
Beyond that things get a bit murkier. Some guarantees are for a specific time period or metric (3 years or 50,000 miles), others for cycles of use (50 washings or 4000 pages). The gold standard is the aforementioned lifetime gurantee, and there are brands and products which, when they say that mean virtually forever. If your Davek umbrella ever stops working properly, or you encounter a defect in materials or workmanship, return it for a free repair or replacement plus shipping and handling. If your Craftsman or Mastercraft hand tools ever fail you during normal use, excluding blades or expendable parts, they will be repaired or replaced for free. And Zippo Lighters and Cross Pens offer simple warranty information: the product works or they'll fix it, no matter how old it is.
But in most cases if you read the fine print you'll find the manufacturer has a different definition of "lifetime" than you do. YOU might think that as long as you walk this earth you should be able to use that vacuum or turn on that lightbulb. THEY view it to mean as long as it can reasonably be expected that a similar product used in like situations with no extenuating circumstances functions they are covered. Not the same thing.
Discrepancies like that are at the heart of a lawsuit filed in Springfield MO by Kent Slaughter. Mr. Slaughter needed some new socks, and came upon Bass Pro Shops Redhead Lifetime Guarantee All-Purpose Wool Socks, with the prominently displayed slogan, "The last sock you'll ever need to buy." He decided to give them a go, and liked them so much that over 7 years he purchased a total of 12 pairs, assuming he was set with footwear for the rest of his days.
Of course, socks do wear out. And the company gladly replaces them if they do, honoring their policy and the product's moniker. Mr Slaughter availed himself of this policy several times, much to his footsies delight. But in 2021, when he tried to swap them out, he was told that the policy had changed, and was given a replacement product that was only guaranteed for 60 days. Saying that this is no longer the last sock he will ever need to buy, he contacted a lawyer. And while it's unlikely to generate as much notoriety as Elon and Twitter, this dispute will likely also be resolved in front of a judge.
In this case Bass Pro is drawing a line in the sand, and daring Mr. Slaughter to walk across. Only time and a court will decide if he does so barefoot or not. In the meantime, perhaps he needs to find a new supplier like sock company Bombas, who at one time had a Laundry Back guarantee: lose a sock in the wash, and they would send you a free pair to make you whole again. That's because when it comes to the dryer, there is no guarantee socks have any afterlife.
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Marc Wollin of Bedford expects things to work for a reasonable period of time. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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