It was Sunday morning on a visit to our youngest son and his wife, and he and I were driving to get fresh cider donuts for breakfast. On the way we chatted about the upgrades to their house, their life in their new location and other non-essential topics. Once we got to the farm we picked up a dozen assorted (plain, glazed and sugar-cinnamon dusted) and a half a gallon of milk. He swiped his card and we got back in the car to drive back to his house. The roads were quiet, and the windows open. And then he dropped it on me. "I know you taught me otherwise," he started. Not sure where this was going, I braced myself. He continued: "I don't keep the receipts. I do scan our statement and check that all looks correct. But I don't keep the receipts."
Wow. Kids today.
If you're a parent, you spend a lot of time teaching, imparting, demonstrating, modeling the behaviors and skills you hope will stand your kids in good stead as they go forward. Some are overt, such as tying your shoes or telling time. Others are much softer, such as the way you treat other people or deal with a problem. Of course, the most important thing you hopefully taught them was to think for themselves. They should look at the options and evidence at hand, use the good sense they have combined with the guiding principles you have taught them, and then make a decision which is in the best interests of themselves and the people around them. In probably more cases than not, that probably aligns with what you would do if you were them.
But as they settle into their own lives, they likely come up against some very minor tenets you hold dear but which in truth were perhaps fickle, obsessive-compulsive or just plain random. Some are based on the different approaches of a mate or partner. Some are driven by technology and time. And some are just personal choices that they look at and wonder "Why the hell did mom always do X?"
Indeed, I can think of two examples from personal experience. One ticks the board for me, one for them.
In the first case, my father taught me to always back into a parking space, a procedure I taught both our boys. And in fact, research shows far more accidents occur when backing out of a space as opposed to driving out forward. (Don't think he knew that, but no matter: thanks, Dad). On the flip side, when we visit their homes or they come to ours, they immediately take off their shoes, something we never did nor do. In this case research supports their approach not ours: it keeps the street grime and germs from being tracked around the home. That said, be it generational or otherwise, it's a practice that hasn't filtered up. Or as an Op-Ed in the Wall Street Journal put it, unless our footwear is covered in "snow, mud, blood, condiments of any sort, lava, excrement, concrete dust, or biomedical hazardous waste" we typically leave them on if given a choice.
There's an old story of a young woman whose mother taught her the "right" way to cook a chicken was to cut off the wings and legs and cook them separately. It was a method she swore by, passed on down to her from her mother when she learned to cook. One day the young woman thought to ask her grandmother how she came to settle on that approach as the best way to make a bird. Her old woman smiled and said the reason was simple: when she first got married, she only had one small pot. The only way a chicken would fit in it was if she trimmed it first. It worked, so she just kept doing it, and taught it to her daughter. And so a family tradition was born.
Maybe it's the way you make coffee. Or how you organize your kitchen. Or how you pack for a vacation, arrange your closet or hang a picture. The way you do it is absolutely the best. Until it isn't. You should only hope that when it counts and your kids become the teacher, you're smart enough to learn the lesson.
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Marc Wollin of Bedford tries to keep an open mind. Except for shoes. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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