Dear Allison and Dave;
I know this isn't the way you wanted it to be.
That seems such an obvious statement, but it succinctly captures the situation. On the day of your wedding you didn't want there to be a pandemic. You didn't want Allison's parents to be stuck in California, us in Bedford, and all your family and friends in their places. You didn't want to have to use the term "virtually" in a sentence about the most important day in your lives. What you wanted was for all of us to be able to gather and celebrate, drink a little, dance a little, and send you off to a new life with a round of applause and a raised glass. But at this point in time that's just not in the cards. And so let us accept it as the immovable object and go on from there.
The bottom line is that while the venue and style for the event are certainly different, the tone and tenor are not. At its heart it is still about you, and your love for one another. It is about your community coming together to recognize, acknowledge and celebrate that fact in a most public way. And it is about you making a commitment to each other that, whatever hand life deals you, you will face it together. In a way, perhaps more than ever, this past year has made that last point not an academic discussion but a true test, one you have easily negotiated and passed.
In fact your time together, both before this past year and indeed more recently with our enforced togetherness, has hopefully taught you numerous lessons about how to do that successfully, lessons that are easy to articulate but hard to practice. Yes, many are simplistic and trite, but that doesn't make them any less true. Listen more than talk. Give space and closeness in equal measures. Love quickly and anger slowly. Speaking for myself, after 36 years, I am still discovering them and trying to put them into practice.
A more recent take comes by way of Scott Galloway, who wears many hats from professor to speaker to entrepreneur to podcaster. He is known for his ability to cut through the noise and elucidate the heart of a matter, be it technology or business or politics. As to marriage, his observations are no less direct and realistic, and at least as a good roadmap to follow as any other. He says never let your other be cold or hungry. That might mean a blanket or a Powerbar or a hug, but being warm and sated is the key to all of us being happy. Don't keep score. Marriage is not a zero sum game. You will inevitably overvalue your contribution and undervalue the other's. It's a partnership, not a transaction. And constantly express affection and desire. We all want to feel we are the one, the chosen. Say it often in word and in deed. Yes, I love you. But just as importantly, I choose you.
With the presumptuousness that comes with owning a few published inches, let me say that I think I can speak for all who know you two that none of the above will be an issue. That's not to say that there won't be moments along the way: if the last year has taught us anything it's that we can't even imagine the curve balls we sometimes get thrown. But anyone who has spent any time with you both knows how deeply you care for each other, how respectful you are of each other, how much you only want what is best for each other. If that's not the truest definition of love, then I'm not sure what is.
So for now, let us just look at it as if we are hitting a pause switch on our celebration. A year from now we will hopefully gather as one, and pick up where we are leaving off. We'll gather from far and wide, and be able to say maskless and in person what we are all saying now, just from a distant remove: we love you, we congratulate you, and we wish nothing but the best as you start this new chapter in your lives not as two, but as one.
With much love, me.
-END-
Allison Hess and Dave Wollin will be married on February 14, 2021. Dad-in-law's/Dad's column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, Linked+In and Twitter.
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