Unless your workplace was always in your own home, you likely got up and shot out the door, figuring you would get your morning eye opener closer to your final destination. Whether you stopped off at the corner deli or dropped into the teachers' lounge or swung past the cart on the corner, there's a reasonable chance someone else brewed your kickoff cup o' joe.
Not this past year. Likely one of the biggest changes to your morning routine has been that you've had to be your own barista. And while you may have your preferred brand or flavor, the end result was likely a fairly simple affair. You put some ground-up beans in a pot, added some hot water and that was it. You might add some sweetener or something to lighten it, but that was probably the extent of your customization. No double shot of this, no sprinkle of that, no artfully poured foam forming a flower on top.
But now that the world is opening up you can once again overpay for the privilege of someone giving you brown hot water. Up until 1987 that was all it used to be, save some minor and easily replicable customizations. That all changed when Howard Shultz bought Starbucks and turned it from a small coffee-only specialty retailer in Seattle into the worldwide java-themed behemoth it is today. And so began the age of organically-grown sustainably-produced fair-trade jitter juice that can be ordered as bespoke as any suit from Saville Row.
And we're not just talking one or two sugars. Walk into any Starbucks and the menu board sports a dizzying array of creations that take coffee drinking to the next level. There are the classic variations you can get in any Italian café, such as lattes and espressos and macchiatos, and the more modern flat white and Americano, almost all available hot or iced. Beyond that are the home-grown cold beverages under the trademarked Frappuccino label. These ice, coffee and sugar blends are designed to give a coffee-esque spin to a milkshake, and come in a dizzying variety of flavors, from White Chocolate Mocha to Caramel Ribbon Crunch to Java Chip.
Additionally the company rolls out specialty items to coincide with various events and seasons. Their 2021 Summer Menu features flavors such as Strawberry Funnel Cake, Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade and Mocha Cookie Crumble. From the names alone you would think you were in a bakery or rooftop bar. But no, they are created in a retail chain built on the art of brewing coffee, even if they bear about as much resemblance to a cup of Pike Place Roast as a rabbit to a tractor trailer.
There's even a supposedly "secret" menu, though the secret is so out that many an experienced green apron employee will know these concoctions without going to the vault to look up the recipe. There's the Thin Mint Frappuccino (green tea, java chips, mocha and peppermint syrup, and designed to mimic a Girl Scout Cookie), the Chocolate Covered Strawberrry (Coldbrew coffee with raspberry syrup and strawberry puree) and Butterbeer (an homage to Harry Potter, it's caramel, toffee nut flavoring and cinnamon syrup). And for your four-legged friend ask at the drive-in window for a small cup of whipped cream, known as a Puppuccino.
But the real action in customization is the almost infinite variety of shots, syrups and other ingredients you can request to be added to any given drink. Yes, some people refer an extra squirt of vanilla syrup, or a double shot of espresso. But that pales in comparison to the postings by Baristas who have to concoct bitches-brew demands from obviously deranged people like this one: "Trenti iced coffee, 12 pumps [sugar-free] vanilla, 12 pumps [sugar-free] hazelnut, 12 pumps [sugar-free] caramel, 5 pumps skinny mocha, a splash of soy, coffee to the star on the siren's head, ice, double-blended!" I'm not a proponent of violence, but if were I behind the counter that could make me reconsider.
As for me, I will stop by the last cart before I reach my destination, forego speaking Starbuckian, and order a large (not tall, grande or venti), pay the man my two bucks and go on my way. Because sometimes to start your day, you don't need an inspirational quote, you just need coffee.
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Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't have to have a cup, but he likes it. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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