Death and taxes. Not only are they the only sure things, they are perhaps the only things that we all hate. But beyond that? In today's world virtually everything has its proponents. Almost nothing cuts across every fault line out there - class, ethnic, racial, social, religious, economic, political, geography, age and on and on – to unite us all in revulsion, or at least to a point where most find it even mildly distasteful.
Food? One person's delicacy makes another want to throw up, be it the insides of the animal, the outsides of the plant or the foodstuff itself. Going to the dentist? For most a trip to be avoided, but others are proud of their teeth and gladly make the time to keep up their pearly whites. Clothing? While you might hate a style or particular piece of attire, others find it the perfect accessory and wouldn't dream of leaving home without it. As for people, some want nothing to do with Trump, others with Biden, others with Taylor Swift, while plenty feel the opposite way. Even Vladimir Putin has his admirers.
There seems to be just one thing we can rally around that we all hate, would rather pick an alternative, would prefer to take any other option. Not Brussel sprouts, not ankle socks, not tan lines, not even third world dictators. No, if you ask your barber or your banker, your grandmother or your greengrocer, your deep red uncle or your dark blue cousin, all will confess to hating middle seats on airplanes.
Perhaps hate is too strong a word. That's because we all will sit there willingly for a variety of reasons. It might be because we want to be a with a companion or child, or because we have the option of catching an earlier flight vs. hanging around the airport for a few more hours. But given the chance to change to a window or an aisle, most would take it. In fact, an airline agent could only recall one instance where a person declined the switch, and that was because the passenger had OCD and had to sit where his ticket told him to. Mind you, he wasn't happy to sit there, and even conceded it wasn't his first choice, but it fit in with the way he viewed the world and so that was that.
A few years ago Frontier Airlines tried to redesign their cabins to make the middle more attractive, When they switched to a new seat design with higher density but thinner cushioning, it gave them a little more wiggle room side to side. Rather than increasing each of the seats a little, they put it all in the center. So windows and aisles were 18 inches wide, while the middle was a little over 19 inches edge to edge. No, it didn't lead to a run to the center, but if you do get stuck there, feel free to spread out and enjoy.
Now Virgin Australia is trying a different tack. They looked at other successful campaigns to get people to do things they might prefer not to do, like getting flu shots or turning in firearms, and found that monetary awards helped. And so the company established a lottery for those who get stuck in the middle. If you enroll in their frequent flyer program and you wind up in the center, either voluntarily or involuntarily, your name goes into a hat. Then every week from now till April of next year they will pick a winner. Prizes vary in the $145,000 pot, and include a full day helicopter pub crawl including return flights to Darwin, and a two-night holiday in Cairns including flights, accommodation and a bungee jump. Also in the rotation are a million frequent flyer points, Caribbean cruises and custom artwork by an Australian artist.
The big question is will it help to fill those open seats as opposed to folks waiting for the next flight. Unlikely, but if you do win it might take some of the sting off the flying experience. In the meantime, should you wind up in that seat, just take a deep breath, plug in your earbuds, call up that old Stealers Wheel song and sing along (to yourself, of course): "Clowns to the left of me/Jokers to the right/Here I am/Stuck in the middle with you."
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Marc Wollin of Bedford always takes an aisle seat. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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