Additional Information Needed

TO: All Americans
FROM: US Census Bureau
RE: Census Addendum

As April 1 approaches, the date of the official US Census, you should have all received your invitation to participate. If you are able, please complete it online. If not, expect a follow-up version in the mail. In answer to many inquiries we have received, please complete these questions as if life were proceeding BC, or Before COVID.

Allow us to remind you what that used to look like. April 1 is a Wednesday, so under regular circumstances things should be kind of quiet. If your kids live separately, odds are they would be in their own apartments. Odds are your sister Amanda and her husband Bruce who came to celebrate Billy's second birthday the prior weekend would have gone home by then. Odds are Grammy and PopPop wouldn't have arrived yet for the following weekend to look after the kids so you and your spouse could go to Foxwoods for the Kiss Reunion Concert. Odds are your son Eric would be done with Spring Break where he almost got arrested in Fort Lauderdale for drinking, and would be back at State where he is studying Video Game Theory, a major which he says justifies the hours he plays Nintendo Switch's “Exit the Gungeon.”

But these are hardly ordinary times. And so while we need you to answer the regular census as if the above set of circumstances is the case, we have some follow-up questions that will help us better understand where we are right now, and to help us formulate policy going forward.

1) On April 1 at 630PM, how many people are usually in your house?
How many are actually there now (including girlfriends/boyfriends)?
How many people are now sleeping in beds they slept in as children?
How many couches are being used as beds?
How many extra chairs did you have to add to the kitchen table so everyone had a seat?

2) Since the National Emergency was declared, how many times have you had the
following for dinner:
A) Spaghetti with sauce (any kind)?
B) Chili?
C) Hamburgers (any kind)?
D) Baked chicken?
E) Sandwiches (any kind)?
F) Given up and let everybody get whatever they want from the freezer?

3) How are you handling television watching time?
A) All discuss the options and then vote on what to watch.
B) Each person gets a block and they get the remote.
C) Screaming and yelling, followed by more screaming and yelling, followed by
whatever dad wants to watch.

4) Regarding your home network, now that more devices are on it then have ever been
connected, which statement is most correct.
A) It is performing as usual
B) It is showing some signs of strain, with longer than usual speeds to upload
and download.
C) We get frozen fever bars and whirly icons indicating that, while it is
connected, nothing is actually happening.
D) Smoke is coming out of the router, it had to be unplugged and now everyone
is looking like the dog died.

5) In terms of physical activity in your house, which statement is most correct:
A) We conduct an exercise class and all in the house participate.
B) Uncle Wally gets up at 5AM, goes to the basement and does 35 squat thrusts.
The rest of us sleep in.
C) Around 2P we all go out for a walk around the block, after which we all
go back and nap.

6) Regarding working from home, which of the following is most correct:
A) I have set up a quiet professional space in a corner of our living room
and am very productive.
B) I have cleared a spot on the kitchen counter for my laptop and spend an
equal amount of time working and looking for snacks.
C) I sit on my bed with my laptop and the cat just came through and stepped
on the space bar

7) For Zoom calls you've been a part of in the past 2 weeks, please mark all that apply.
A) Most people were wearing athleisure clothes vs business attire.
B) At least 50% of the cameras were pointed at the ceiling.
C) Crying children were present in the background at least 67% of the time.
D) There have been as many dogs as people.

8) Referring specifically to laundry, is there:
A) The same amount.
B) More.
C) A lot more.
D) I have no idea we had so many socks, and none of them match.

9) Regarding your attitude towards Social Distancing as it applies to those currently
in your house, which is the more correct statement:
A) We understand it's importance and are practicing it faithfully.
B) Can I continue it after the pandemic has passed? Please?

Your government thanks you for your cooperation.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford is doing as well as can be expected. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

The Pandemic Pantry

By now the litany of things to do and not to do is well known: wash your hands, stand six feet away from others, wash your hands, cough into your elbow, wash your hands, avoid crowds, WASH YOUR HANDS. There are disruptions of all kinds in the everyday rhythms we are used to, and more to come. But while this is truly an emergency situation, it's different from the ones we usually encounter. Unlike snowstorms or hurricanes, there will still be electricity, refrigeration and communications, and barring some spot shortages, stores will have stuff to sell. 

Still, the muscle memory of crisis response burrows deep. And so it's not surprising to see some folks stocking up, while still others are laying in supplies for an extended period of time. But there are two ways this can go. Maybe the world is ending and you will be ready. That means you alone on your block will have toilet paper to last till the millennium, and it will be worth $1000 a sheet. The alternative is that a month or two from now things will start to return to normal. In that case you will have to figure out some way to use up those 50 pound bags of rice and beans you hauled home, along with those 75 cans of tuna. And you'll have to make the cold calculation to forgo your organic kale and heirloom tomato salad in favor of that case of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, or take the loss. 

If the later scenario comes to pass, creativity will be key. You'll start with the obvious: black bean chili and tuna casserole and fried rice, repeating them two or three times. At that point, you'll be down to 47 pounds of staples or each. What else is in your pantry?  Perhaps add some beans to a soup. Or mix some rice in with some chicken and stir fry it. Or mix that canned tuna with some pasta. Or maybe a three-fer with a bean/rice/tuna medley. It recalls a certain Monty Python café that had "egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam." 

As for those with a less alarmist approach, a trip to the store these days holds exactly the opposite challenge. If you are simply looking to replace that can of chickpeas you used up, or refill your plastic container of rice, or need a can of beans to make a casserole, you are likely to turn into that aisle to find the shelves bare, while the shopper ahead of you has his or her cart filled to the brim with 43 packages of quinoa. And they don't even LIKE quinoa. But it was all that was left between the signs that said "rice" and those that said "beans," and any port in a storm and all that. 

So like any good gambler or cook, you don't play the hand you wish you had, you play the one you are dealt. As you walk the store, while you will see many shelves picked clean of shelf-stable items, they are still lots of possibilities. The question is just how much of a visionary are you in the kitchen? What can you make with olives, frozen cherries and parmesan cheese? Or perhaps pickles, almond butter and barbeque sauce? Maybe lettuce, mustard and beer? Because that's all that seems to be left. Mind you, tahini-caper salad dressing really does taste like vegan Caesar. 

It would seem that those more alarmed among us have loaded up on the steak, while those less inclined have been left with the sauce. It would seem the right time for a little get together. If you are of a mind, call up your neighbors, and first demand to see a blood test. If that looks good, and your kitchen table is at least 6 feet long, put together a little of yours and a little of theirs, and aim for the best that that previously mentioned café has to offer: "Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top - and spam."

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford tries to cook with whatever he has. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

I Can't Get For You Retail

My father, like his father before him, was in retail. He worked in a large department store, one that sold everything from greeting cards to housewares to underwear. Through him I got an after school, then summer job there, really a series of jobs. I generally started late morning in the jewelry repair department, changing watchbands and engraving ID bracelets (remember ID bracelets?). In the afternoon I moved over to the stockroom of the makeup department, moving fragrant boxes of fragrance and powder from the back of the house to the front. Then after a dinner break I put on a tie and went to the men's wear section, there to straighten shelves and work a cash register ringing up sales.

I trot out these bona fides if only to demonstrate that I have at least a cursory knowledge of how a store works. While much of the action has shifted from brick and mortar establishments to virtual ones online, those three phases are still the lifeblood of any selling business. You have to get the products from the factory and put them in front of customers. You have to merchandise them in some way to show what you have, then process the sale. And you have to service the products after the fact, dealing with issues that arise to keep the customer happy. While the details vary widely, whether it's a pack of socks or a computer, whether you are making the purchase at Target or at Amazon, the process is basically the same. 

For the seller, the equation is this: the cost of all those steps, plus whatever amount you want to make as profit, is the price you can charge. Optimizing that margin to the point that maximizes sales and still gets you enough dollars in your pocket to make a living and stay in business is the holy grail of retailing. Which begs the question these days: how does anyone make any money selling stuff anymore? 

Take an example, one that many of us have had. I needed a pair of basic black casual work pants, so I went to our local Kohl's big box store. They have 5 different types, any of which would suffice. For the ones I chose, the aspirational MSRP, or Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price, was $49.99. But as always they were having a sale, this time at half off. On top of that the store had sent me a coupon for an additional 20% savings. And I had $10 in "Kohl's Cash" from a prior promotion. Net net, the final cost to me was $10. It's hard to imagine that the material alone in the garment doesn't cost at least that. 

Or take the batteries I needed for the older watch I had. While I could have found them at the local CVS or Target, I opted to save the gas and shop from my keyboard. They were available as a pack of two on Amazon for $3.99. As a Prime member (which, yes, I pay a fee for) I was entitled to expedited and free shipping. I punched the order in on a Sunday afternoon; they were in my mailbox Monday morning at 11AM. The labor, packaging and gas alone to get them from some warehouse in New Jersey to my house had to total that or more, never mind the cost of the goods themselves. And my cost to get them in time and petrol was effectively nil. 

Yes, it goes without saying that often there are corners being cut in the form of exploitation of labor, and factories that run lean by ignoring safety standards, and non-sustainable supply chains. None of that can or should be discounted, and all factor into the discussion. And yes, I understand the concept of loss leaders and promotional items that keep me coming back for more. Even accounting for that, however, it's hard to understand the economics. I know it's all about the data they get, and how they can use that to sell me more stuff, but just how far can that go? At this rate, pretty soon the cost to me will be zero. Or maybe I'll start charging Fruit of Loom to wear their shorts. Now that's a business model I like.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford shops when he needs to. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Don't Share This

Before you go any further, we need to come to an understanding. First, no sharing any of my good lines. Second, if you don't find any good lines, don't share that either. If fact, no sharing any criticisms at all: if you don't like this, keep it to yourself. If you break this ironclad pact, for the pain and suffering you will cause me, be prepared to fork over $5 million cash, your tickets to "Hamilton" and a year's supply of peanut butter cups. If you agree, please go on; if not, stop right now. That work for you? Because that's the NDA I want you to sign before we continue. 

Non-Disclosure Agreements are all the rage. While they have no clear origin story, according to Michelle Dean writing in the Columbia Journalism Review, they first started to appear in the 1940's in the context of maritime law. Later, tech firms like IBM began to use them. And to most it made sense: these companies were inventing novel ways of doing things based on ideas that were easily transportable. By extension, this line of thinking covered not just tech companies but any firm inventing a new approach, whether it be a better way to make a candy bar or car brakes or pants pockets. It was a way of protecting an advancement before a patent came into play. And so the NDA started to spread as a way of safeguarding intellectual property. 

In the 1970's, NDA's moved into the political arena for the first time when the House Select Committee on Assassinations had outside consultants sign them. The rationale was that the Committee was looking into some of the most sensitive parts of the government such as the CIA. While there were some critics, with national security concerns as a backdrop, it seemed warranted for those outside the government to be bound to keeping their mouths shut. 

A decade later "Contracts of Silence" started to appear more regularly, often as part of general employment agreements. Most famously, when Jeffrey Wigand blew the whistle on the tobacco industry, CBS refused to use the interview they had done with him for "60 Minutes" because Wigand had signed an NDA. And since the network had agreed to cover any claims against him if he were sued, the threat of millions of dollars in damages hung over its head. It might have been the first but it was hardly the last example where NDA's slowed down the discovery and subsequent remedy of a public health issue, including silicone breast implants, flaws in GM gas tanks and toxic-waste leaks into the country's waterways. 

More recently, powerful individuals have mandated NDA's to protect themselves. President Trump, Harvey Weinstein and Michael Bloomberg are among the latest to be called out for their use of NDA's, but they are hardly alone. Kanye West and Rihanna have crew members and reviewers sign them regarding upcoming albums and videos, while Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and Britney Spears have potential dates sign them before they are willing to go out to dinner. 

Then there's Pete Davidson. At his recent comedy shows, the SNL star has gone to extraordinary lengths to make his public shows, well, private. Aside from locking each audience member's phone and smartwatch into tamper proof pouches, they have to sign an NDA that says they won't "give any interviews, opinions, or critiques about [the show] in any form whatsoever including blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or any other social networking." Breeching the agreement will require the payment of $1 million in damages as well as any associated legal costs. So the morning after there's this exchange: "So, how was the Pete Davidson show last night?" "I can't tell you." "Was it funny?" "No comment" "You mean it wasn't funny?" "I can't say one way or the other." Curiously, Davidson's corporate entity, whose name is on the NDA, is Cowardly Dog, Inc. 

Unlike the mantra for public safety, "If you see something, say something," these days you are just as likely to be told, "Whatever you see, keep it to yourself." So back to where we started. If you think this is stupid, you'll entitled to think it. Just don't say it. Or pay me five million bucks. And the tickets. And the Reese's. Truth be told, I'm kinda hoping you blab.

-END-

Marc Wollin of Bedford is tight lipped. Mostly. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.