TO: All Americans
FROM: US Census Bureau
RE: Census Addendum
As April 1 approaches, the date of the official US Census, you should have all received your invitation to participate. If you are able, please complete it online. If not, expect a follow-up version in the mail. In answer to many inquiries we have received, please complete these questions as if life were proceeding BC, or Before COVID.
Allow us to remind you what that used to look like. April 1 is a Wednesday, so under regular circumstances things should be kind of quiet. If your kids live separately, odds are they would be in their own apartments. Odds are your sister Amanda and her husband Bruce who came to celebrate Billy's second birthday the prior weekend would have gone home by then. Odds are Grammy and PopPop wouldn't have arrived yet for the following weekend to look after the kids so you and your spouse could go to Foxwoods for the Kiss Reunion Concert. Odds are your son Eric would be done with Spring Break where he almost got arrested in Fort Lauderdale for drinking, and would be back at State where he is studying Video Game Theory, a major which he says justifies the hours he plays Nintendo Switch's “Exit the Gungeon.”
But these are hardly ordinary times. And so while we need you to answer the regular census as if the above set of circumstances is the case, we have some follow-up questions that will help us better understand where we are right now, and to help us formulate policy going forward.
1) On April 1 at 630PM, how many people are usually in your house?
How many are actually there now (including girlfriends/boyfriends)?
How many people are now sleeping in beds they slept in as children?
How many couches are being used as beds?
How many extra chairs did you have to add to the kitchen table so everyone had a seat?
2) Since the National Emergency was declared, how many times have you had the
following for dinner:
A) Spaghetti with sauce (any kind)?
B) Chili?
C) Hamburgers (any kind)?
D) Baked chicken?
E) Sandwiches (any kind)?
F) Given up and let everybody get whatever they want from the freezer?
3) How are you handling television watching time?
A) All discuss the options and then vote on what to watch.
B) Each person gets a block and they get the remote.
C) Screaming and yelling, followed by more screaming and yelling, followed by
whatever dad wants to watch.
4) Regarding your home network, now that more devices are on it then have ever been
connected, which statement is most correct.
A) It is performing as usual
B) It is showing some signs of strain, with longer than usual speeds to upload
and download.
C) We get frozen fever bars and whirly icons indicating that, while it is
connected, nothing is actually happening.
D) Smoke is coming out of the router, it had to be unplugged and now everyone
is looking like the dog died.
5) In terms of physical activity in your house, which statement is most correct:
A) We conduct an exercise class and all in the house participate.
B) Uncle Wally gets up at 5AM, goes to the basement and does 35 squat thrusts.
The rest of us sleep in.
C) Around 2P we all go out for a walk around the block, after which we all
go back and nap.
6) Regarding working from home, which of the following is most correct:
A) I have set up a quiet professional space in a corner of our living room
and am very productive.
B) I have cleared a spot on the kitchen counter for my laptop and spend an
equal amount of time working and looking for snacks.
C) I sit on my bed with my laptop and the cat just came through and stepped
on the space bar
7) For Zoom calls you've been a part of in the past 2 weeks, please mark all that apply.
A) Most people were wearing athleisure clothes vs business attire.
B) At least 50% of the cameras were pointed at the ceiling.
C) Crying children were present in the background at least 67% of the time.
D) There have been as many dogs as people.
8) Referring specifically to laundry, is there:
A) The same amount.
B) More.
C) A lot more.
D) I have no idea we had so many socks, and none of them match.
9) Regarding your attitude towards Social Distancing as it applies to those currently
in your house, which is the more correct statement:
A) We understand it's importance and are practicing it faithfully.
B) Can I continue it after the pandemic has passed? Please?
Your government thanks you for your cooperation.
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford is doing as well as can be expected. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
FROM: US Census Bureau
RE: Census Addendum
As April 1 approaches, the date of the official US Census, you should have all received your invitation to participate. If you are able, please complete it online. If not, expect a follow-up version in the mail. In answer to many inquiries we have received, please complete these questions as if life were proceeding BC, or Before COVID.
Allow us to remind you what that used to look like. April 1 is a Wednesday, so under regular circumstances things should be kind of quiet. If your kids live separately, odds are they would be in their own apartments. Odds are your sister Amanda and her husband Bruce who came to celebrate Billy's second birthday the prior weekend would have gone home by then. Odds are Grammy and PopPop wouldn't have arrived yet for the following weekend to look after the kids so you and your spouse could go to Foxwoods for the Kiss Reunion Concert. Odds are your son Eric would be done with Spring Break where he almost got arrested in Fort Lauderdale for drinking, and would be back at State where he is studying Video Game Theory, a major which he says justifies the hours he plays Nintendo Switch's “Exit the Gungeon.”
But these are hardly ordinary times. And so while we need you to answer the regular census as if the above set of circumstances is the case, we have some follow-up questions that will help us better understand where we are right now, and to help us formulate policy going forward.
1) On April 1 at 630PM, how many people are usually in your house?
How many are actually there now (including girlfriends/boyfriends)?
How many people are now sleeping in beds they slept in as children?
How many couches are being used as beds?
How many extra chairs did you have to add to the kitchen table so everyone had a seat?
2) Since the National Emergency was declared, how many times have you had the
following for dinner:
A) Spaghetti with sauce (any kind)?
B) Chili?
C) Hamburgers (any kind)?
D) Baked chicken?
E) Sandwiches (any kind)?
F) Given up and let everybody get whatever they want from the freezer?
3) How are you handling television watching time?
A) All discuss the options and then vote on what to watch.
B) Each person gets a block and they get the remote.
C) Screaming and yelling, followed by more screaming and yelling, followed by
whatever dad wants to watch.
4) Regarding your home network, now that more devices are on it then have ever been
connected, which statement is most correct.
A) It is performing as usual
B) It is showing some signs of strain, with longer than usual speeds to upload
and download.
C) We get frozen fever bars and whirly icons indicating that, while it is
connected, nothing is actually happening.
D) Smoke is coming out of the router, it had to be unplugged and now everyone
is looking like the dog died.
5) In terms of physical activity in your house, which statement is most correct:
A) We conduct an exercise class and all in the house participate.
B) Uncle Wally gets up at 5AM, goes to the basement and does 35 squat thrusts.
The rest of us sleep in.
C) Around 2P we all go out for a walk around the block, after which we all
go back and nap.
6) Regarding working from home, which of the following is most correct:
A) I have set up a quiet professional space in a corner of our living room
and am very productive.
B) I have cleared a spot on the kitchen counter for my laptop and spend an
equal amount of time working and looking for snacks.
C) I sit on my bed with my laptop and the cat just came through and stepped
on the space bar
7) For Zoom calls you've been a part of in the past 2 weeks, please mark all that apply.
A) Most people were wearing athleisure clothes vs business attire.
B) At least 50% of the cameras were pointed at the ceiling.
C) Crying children were present in the background at least 67% of the time.
D) There have been as many dogs as people.
8) Referring specifically to laundry, is there:
A) The same amount.
B) More.
C) A lot more.
D) I have no idea we had so many socks, and none of them match.
9) Regarding your attitude towards Social Distancing as it applies to those currently
in your house, which is the more correct statement:
A) We understand it's importance and are practicing it faithfully.
B) Can I continue it after the pandemic has passed? Please?
Your government thanks you for your cooperation.
-END-
Marc Wollin of Bedford is doing as well as can be expected. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
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