Then This Happened

It's the day before Christmas, or the big day itself
Either way by now you should be done playing elf
But as the new year approaches it's a chance to reflect
On all that has happened, what went right, what was wrecked

The most pressing concern we're still figuring out
The how, when and why, what this pandemic's about
Once the vaccines got started we thought it wouldn't be long
Till all was behind us, just a dream that went wrong

But it's two years later and we've made a hard turn
To living our lives with new rules that we've learned
Masks off only sometimes, vax cards at the ready
But wait: here comes Omicron, we're back to unsteady

But more than just COVID has commanded our view 
It started in January with a sight that chilled thru
A mob storming the Capital, a gang dead set to change
A result they resisted, it all seemed deranged

Yet in spite of that sideshow the results stayed the same
And in two of the branches a new leader was named
In tone and in substance a change to the flow
Though the jury's still out as to how it all goes

Elsewhere was also a swap of the guards
Some longstanding leaders punched their timecards
In Israel they showed Bibi the door was the way
In Germany Angela finally called it a day 

But while politics sucks oxygen out of the air
In other arenas there was still plenty to share

A ship stuck in the Suez, Ida flooded the states
An ice storm in Texas, a Mars rover did skate

Any number of gatherings started up once more
Though for some only TV could follow the score
The Olympics went forward with no fans in the stands
While Italia beat England, and 60K clapped their hands

Other stuff not so weighty rose to the top of the page
Britney was freed, the Squid Game was the rage
The first tourists in space, but only those with cash
The Bucs won the Super, Kim and Kanye got trashed

And of all the big things to get caught in the glare
One was all about who would take over the chair
In the form of a question, maybe Ken or LeVar?
It went pretty poorly, Trebek's legacy was scarred

Some took their last bows, capping lives that did sing
Mondale and Powell, Hank Aaron, Larry King
Sondheim, Prince Philip, Al Unser, Bob Dole
Just some well known faces for whom the bells tolled

So much to report, yet so much is the same
We can only hope next year this mess really wanes
Till then thanks for reading, and from me to you
Best wishes to all for a better ‘22

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Marc Wollin of Bedford thanks all for spending some time in this space. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Signs of the Season

While winter officially begins this week, as always the season is late to the party when it comes to the holidays. Indeed, while the first dustings of snow help to set the mood, there are any number of other earlier manifestations that help confirm where we are in the calendar. Your neighbor down the street has inflated their blow-up snowman. Your email box is filled with offers for the perfect gift. And most significantly, Amazon has extended their return window until the end of January. By any measure, whether you celebrate Kwanza, Chanukah, Christmas or any other seasonal festivities, it's that time of year when lights going on and off are assumed not to be flickering but rather twinkling.

And it also means it's time for all the food chains in your life to trot out their special type of holiday cheer. For sure they have sales and coupons to entice you to stop by with family and friends. But many have once-a-year special concoctions that reflect the trappings of the season. That's not to say that you wouldn't enjoy sprinkles in July or white chocolate in August. Rather, the odds of finding a Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino or similar are much higher come December.

And what's seasonal specialties are on the menu this year? If you are in the mood for pancakes with a decidedly winter accent, head to IHOP. There you can order their Winter Wonderland Pancakes in short stack or tall. It's four of their classic buttermilk pancakes, but topped with blue vanilla swirl icing, mini marshmallows, and a dusting of powdered sugar. Doesn't really taste any different the usual fare doused with syrup, but a charitable description is that it looks like you are digging into a frozen pond. A less charitable one is it looks like you are eating windshield washer fluid. Perhaps not as appetizing, but still very seasonally appropriate.

If you want some drive thru cheer, you can head to McDonald's. Back in 1999 McDonald's introduced their Holiday Pies as part of the promotion for the move "Toy Story 2." The item was a spin on the usual apple version available every day, except this one was filled with vanilla custard and topped with a white sugar glaze and sprinkles. Despite positive reaction, it took more than a decade for it to make an official appearance. Starting in 2012 it was added to the menu, but only in select markets and for a limited time. As of this writing it has been spotted in a handful of states including Texas, Oregon, and New York, showing that the company appears to show no geographic or political favoritism in the holiday spirit.

There are multiple other examples. Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor of the Month is Gingerbread House. Krispy Kreme has a Snowman Smile Doughnut. And the Cheesecake Factory is offering Peppermint Bark Cheesecake. But ground zero for holiday treats is the world of hot drinks. And the 800 pound Santa in that space is most definitely Starbucks. Long before competitors like Dunkin' and McDonald's McCafe started promoting their own spin, they were the first to offer all manner of holiday themed drinks, and have led, or more correctly, defined the arms race ever since.

Each chain has the table stakes that is their own variation on the now classic Peppermint Mocha Latte and White Hot Chocolate. But it's the gang from Seattle that has the deep bench that enables it to come up with new varietals every year. This season sees an Iced Sugar Cookie Almondmilk Latte, which combines sugar cookie–flavored syrup with Blonde Roast espresso and almondmilk over ice, and then adds red and green sprinkles. Or try a Chestnut Praline Latte, which is espresso and steamed milk with caramelized chestnut and spices, all finished with whipped cream and spiced praline crumbs. Their holiday offerings are if Steve Jobs built the Field of Dreams; people don't even know they want it, but once they build it, you will come. 

And then there's Dairy Queen's entry. It's a blend of cocoa fudge with vanilla soft serve topped with a sweet whipped topping and chocolate drizzle. More or less a chocolate sundae, but in the spirit of the season they call it Frozen Hot Chocolate. It might not warm you up, but it will definitely make you go Ho Ho Ho.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford has learned to appreciate Christmas stollen. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

House Guy

If you own a house, you know this simple truth: stuff breaks. Every room under your roof contains the possibility, nay, the probability, of something going south, even the roof itself. While the smart money is on it happening in the kitchen most often, the bathroom, garage or even family room could be ground zero for issues. If the structure or item in question has a few years on it, then there is an increasing chance of failure as the clock ticks. But even new does not mean immune. We've all had the experience of having a just installed faucet start leaking the second the guy gets in his truck and turns out of the driveway.

With a little luck, the item or issue in question might be repairable with a minimum of fuss. In the simplest instance you just bang on it, or turn it off and on, and all is right again. In the issue is more egregious, and if you have some aptitude and some basic tools, it still might just be an inconvenience. Perhaps a new plug or tightening a fitting or replacing the handle will solve the problem. Then it's some helpful videos on YouTube, a quick trip the hardware store for a few parts, and hopefully you are good to go.

Unfortunately it is not always that simple. Just as sometimes your eyes are bigger than your stomach, so too can your problem be bigger than your aptitude to fix it. Sure, it looks like a simple repair and the video makes it look so easy. But wade in and you may find that the subtleties are more than you bargained for. I speak from experience. In our old home I thought a slow running drain required a simple opening of the U joint under the sink and some cleaning out. My “simple fix” turned into the need for a visit by a professional and over $1000 in time and materials. Simple indeed.

Which of course leads to the third type of repair, the kind where it's best to call a pro in any one of a myriad of subspecialties. It might be someone to handle an electrical issue or a water leak, an appliance repair or a gutter problem, one who knows wood floors or heating systems. Often this means a call to a company that specializes in those various genres, from plumbing to electrical to roofing. Hopefully you get a helpful office manager who slots you into a schedule like a doctor's office, although the appointment is less likely to be a given hour certain than a window of opportunity. And then on Tuesday before noon or between three and eight a skilled tech shows up to make you whole again.

Just as likely, though, you have a Guy. Yes, it's sexist, but it seems that most Guys are guys. These are craftsmen who work as individuals rather than join a firm. They cultivate long term customer relationships, and likely know your air conditioning system better than you do. You treat a good Guy like a cross between a member of your family and a potential mate. You leave the house open for them, offer them coffee when they come, and guard their phone numbers like your bank account. As good as they are, you hesitate to give out their contact info too often lest they not be available when you need them. But if asked you extoll them like a trophy spouse, waxing rhapsodically about your Electrical Guy, your Appliance Guy, your Painting Guy, or your Plumber (in that case the Guy is silent).

If you are lucky you find a House Guy. This is a handyman who can do almost all, from fixing a rotting board to replacing a light fixture to unclogging a gutter. Some have restrictions: one won't touch pipes, another hates to go on roofs. But their utility player status elevates House Guys to first name basis. For years we had Vinny. Once he retired, my wife asked around and some friends thought enough of our relationship to introduce us to Hugo. Now he is our first call for anything that seems like it would be best if I didn't try and help. 

His number? Sorry, I don't think we know you well enough to share.  I mean, he is our Guy.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is Ok making simple electrical repairs, but avoids pipes. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Don't Give

And so it begins again.

While the starting line has moved, the race is still on. Used to be that Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, was the official start of the holiday shopping season. Then back when high speed internet was relegated only to businesses, it slipped a few days to Cyber Monday. Going the other direction and seeking to get a jump, many major chains started opening on turkey day itself. And now, after a year of doing it from home, more than a third of consumers say they started shopping as soon as they put the extra candy away after Halloween.

And what are we buying to give? As always, tech stuff of all kinds is a big draw, from headphones to phone accessories to anything with the word "smart" in its name. Food and food gadgets are always popular, from tea assortments to wine chillers. And items that say comfort are always welcome, from cozy socks to weighted blankets to almost anything branded UGG.

But while there are many things out there that might make good gifts for someone on your list, there are just as many that won't. And we're not talking about hair removal kits or toilet shaped coffee mugs or a World's Greatest Mullets calendar. We're talking about things that on the surface seem like a good bet, perhaps a unique take on an older product or an attempt to fill a specific niche for a particular interest. And yet they are simply a bad idea. No amount of marketing or hype can change the fact that they either don't work, cost too much for what they are, or are way more trouble than they are worth.

Take smart toothbrushes. They connect to an app that monitors how long you brush your teeth and report back when 2 minutes are up, a laudable goal for all of us. And yet the simple question is why? At around $200, it's a lot for something that really doesn't need to be connected. You can achieve the same outcome for a lot less money and infinitely less hassle with a kitchen timer and a regular brush. If you feel you must, splurge and get an electric model with a built-in stopwatch. But a Bluetooth toothbrush? A good example where being smart is actually stupid.

The same goes for a variety of connected animal stuff: automatic litter boxes, pet feeders and monitoring cameras to name a few. In theory not a bad idea. But in almost every case and every review, they are prone to malfunction, or you pay a premium for their "pet" pedigree. Let Fido and their owner stay with their tried and true method, and get them a new pull toy instead.

Kitchen gear is another place where the promise is far greater than the payoff. First, see if the recipient has any counter space left for a device that will be used sparingly once the initial trial period wears off.  And even then the question is how much will they use an air fryer or juice press or fruit dehydrator. A person can eat just so many dried apple chips, especially when can make the same thing in your oven, assuming you even want them after the first time.

Then there are the simple things that in isolation are fine, but, well, maybe think twice. Clever coffee mug? If it were the first, then perhaps. But how many "My Favorite Child Gave Me This Mug" mugs can a person have? Exercise equipment? Unless specifically requested, the subtext is as strong as the sentiment. Think about what this says to the recipient: you need to do something with yourself.  Custom photo attire? Perhaps, if it's personal and bespoke, but really, would you want to wear a tee shirt or socks with a photo on it of anyone in your family? I think not.

Still rules are meant to be broken. And if your significant other is jonesing for a Magic Bullet blender, who are you to deny them. So make some space next to the can opener and be ready to choke down kale and pineapple smoothies until they get bored. Not to worry: it won't take long.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is buying his own presents this year. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Forward Looking

If you want to know what the weather will be tomorrow, you can look to an app on your phone or in the paper or go online. There you will find a forecast based on the best information gleaned by specialists in the field. They pore over maps and sensor data that come in from near and far, all with the purpose of letting you know whether you should take an umbrella to work or not.

Even with all that their forecasts are hardly ironclad. That's why they hedge every statement and use percentages to qualify their outlook: "The weekend should be clear" or "Tomorrow expect a cloudy morning with a 60% chance of showers." Those kinds of statements mean that no matter what happens they are right. And it's what makes the converse also true: meteorology is the only profession where you can be wrong every day and still get paid.

Other professions are no so forgiving. If you are an analyst on Wall Street, you also examine data gathered from various sources and make a prediction. However your focus is not what's in the air but in the economy. Perhaps you are charged with predicting a company's outlook or the direction of the market. But with millions of dollars at stake as opposed to just the possibility of wet shoes, the accuracy of your forecast carries a bit more weight and consequence. 

Still, like your brothers and sisters at the weather desk, you want to give yourself some wiggle room. And so you might hedge your bet, and say earnings will be between $2.00 and $2.12, or that sales indicate that the company should have a good quarter. But if you are a professional the expectation is that you won't be too far off. Get it wrong more often than not, and you will likely be looking for a new gig. The one exception is if you are an economist: as former assistant secretary of the Treasury Edgar Fiedler said, if you ask 5 economists for a forecast you will get 5 different predictions. Six if one went to Harvard.

And yet some things are all but impossible to predict. You can make an educated guess based on current trends or market data or historical precedent. But sometimes none of it matters, and a prediction is merely a shot in the dark. Still, others watching may require you to have an outlook. And so sometimes you are forced to put pen to paper and take a stand.

That's what the happened when Shuntaro Furukawa gave his usual presentation outlining the performance of game maker Nintendo. As president of the company, his goal was to update investors on the financial highlights, the outlook for growth, and progress towards numerous goals, from licensing new titles to physical stores to collaborations with other companies. 

A key focus was on Nintendo's flagship product, the Switch. In the highly competitive videogame industry it is perhaps the most popular gaming system out there today. Not the most powerful nor most sophisticated (those titles go to Microsoft's Xbox and Sony's Playstation), its multiple versions, price and popular catalog combine to make it the platform of choice for many.

But in tech its always about the next big thing. And so while the company had a successful rollout over the past several months of a new portable version with a larger screen, that's already old news. The more important question is what are they doing for the next generation of gear? What is coming down the pike, and more importantly, when will it get here? The answer is on slide 41 of their presentation to analysts. Titled "Future Outlook," President Furukawa made it very clear that they have a plan. The slide shows that while the Nintendo DS made its debut in 2004, and the Switch in 2017, the Next Generation gaming system will come out in 20XX.

Uh, what? 20XX? That means that they have made a hard commitment to launch a new system sometime before 2100, giving themselves wiggle room of 78 years to come up with something. It's as if the weather forecast was "It'll rain sometime this year." On the other hand, it's likely a commitment they can keep. Because usually, by way of Edgar Fiedler again, he who lives by the crystal ball soon learns to eat ground glass.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford predicts he will write another column next week. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Weighing In

There are lots of thing we as Americans do well. As inventors and entrepreneurs we have few peers: Apple was founded here, as was Dell and Amazon, Ford and Boeing, WalMart and Coke. Our institutions of higher learning are the envy of the world, attracting students from every country on the globe. And our entertainment industry, from music to movies to videogames, defines contemporary culture around the world. 

Still, there are other areas where we could use some help. While our doctors and nurses are stellar, the system that supports them is in dire need of an overhaul. Our understanding and acceptance of other cultures is most definitely a work in progress. We have inventive chefs and cooks exploring new tastes and recipes, but there just as many recipes for deep fried Twinkies. And it's hard to escape the fact that our political system currently is a bit on the sclerotic side. Yet to trot out the off-quoted Winston Churchill line, our version of democracy is the "worst form of government except for all the others that have been tried." Scant consolation as deadlock after deadlock means no progress on important issues, but compared to the many unpalatable alternatives it positively shines.

But in one particular area, there is little doubt about our abilities, or more correctly, lack thereof: math. Put simply, we suck at it.

One of the building blocks of knowledge, it's hard to dispute how important it is to have this foundational skill. Like reading and writing, the ability to understand and manipulate numbers is essential. From the simplest tasks like understanding how much money is in your checkbook to the most complex of figuring out the orbits of satellites, it is as fundamental as language. While computers and calculators have made the raw number crunching part of the task almost effortless, understanding the concepts which make up the disciple, which leads to knowing which numbers to crunch, is still of paramount importance. And that is where we have some issues.

Perhaps the best example came in the 1980's, courtesy of the A&W restaurant chain. They were looking for a way to compete with McDonald's and their flagship product, the Quarter Pounder. They considered several angles to get an edge: taste, packaging and presentation were just a few. But when they weighed all the options they decided the best thing to do was appeal to that most basic of consumer hot buttons, value. Or more specifically, more product for a similar price.

And so they launched the 1/3 pound burger. It couldn't miss: bigger, juicer, more bang for your buck. Just one issue: they forgot to consider that when it comes to numbers, Americans are idiots. Focus groups showed that a large number of potential customers passed on the product for the simple reason that the Quarter Pounder has a denominator of 4, while the Third Pounder has a denominator of 3. Hence, went the logic of the "I still have checks so there must be money in my account" crowd, 1/4 pound of beef must be more than 1/3 of the same.

The company has spent the last 30 plus years grappling with this miscue, trying to figure out how to turn the page. And now they just might have an angle. On the theory that you can't fix stupid, you can only work with it, they are releasing their newest product. While there certainly have been some tweaks to fine tune ingredients and packaging, the biggest change is in in nomenclature. And so for a limited time, head to A&W and order their newest offering, the successor to the 1/3 pounder, the big, plump juicy 3/9 pound burger.

Savvy readers (or just those who got past middle school math) will note that there is no difference in size, save a new formulation of the same name. But based on logic of the prior attempt, the 3/9 just HAS to be bigger than the 1/4 version, because 9 is greater than 4. And here's the best news. Word is that while supplies may be short, if they should run out of 3/9 burger, they are prepared with a backup plan: you can request the branch manager to make you a 2/6 burger. But when that runs out, you are out of luck, and it's back to the 1/3 version. 

And you wonder why Sputnik was first.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford thinks he is pretty good at math. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter. 

Talk To Me

For the fruity faithful, any Apple announcement event is a big event. It's then that users get a glimpse at the latest iterations of iPhones and iPads, updated MacBooks and faster processors. But along with the big unveilings there are also a number of smaller revelations, some of more consequence than others. For example, the last gathering highlighted the return of magnetically attached chargers, a minor yet convenient feature. And it also featured a redesigned screen with a small cutout notch at the top to allow for a webcam, a design tweak that is inconsequential to some, while a stylistic nightmare to others.

One of the more curious announcements related to the company's music service. True, the really cool kids are talking about the resurgence of vinyl and dishing the dirt about turntables and cartridges and preamps. But for most listeners the most convenient and popular way to listen to your favorite songs is through a streaming service. With cheap and ubiquitous data plans, you have the connection to be able to slide from AC/DC to Jon Batiste to BTS with ease, or to lift a phrase from the BTS hit, smooth like butter.

In that world Apple Music is merely one option out there. Like the other players in the space, it boasts a catalog of many millions of songs, the ability put together playlists, as well as options to share those playlists and favorite songs and suggestions with friends. True, Apple does have higher quality streaming and the ability to add your own personal library into the system. But for the casual user, unless you are the "Steve Jobs was a god" type, it's hardly a standout.

Which means to compete with Amazon and YouTube and the industry leader Spotify, it has to play on the one field on which Apple never really had to even set foot: price. With most of their products they can charge what they want, secure in the knowledge that there is a fan base that will pay whatever, for both technical reasons as well as cachet. But when your product isn't a true standout, then to quote another song lyric, this one from Wyclef Jean, it's all about dollar dollar bill y'all.

While all the services, including Apple's flagship service, charge around $10 a month, the announcement at their latest confab touted a version that's half that. For $4.99, you still get access to 90 million songs, the ability to select artists and albums and playlists. The difference? While you can hear whatever you want, you can't see it. The new pricing tier has no phone or computer app or interface: it's accessible only by voice.

Just as the company forced headset users away from traditional earphone jacks towards special plugs or Bluetooth by simply removing them, this forces users away from screens by taking away the option. Want to hear Frank Sinatra? Just say "Siri, Play Frank Sinatra." Want a playlist of indie hits? Say "Siri, Play Indie Hits." Taking a cue from Amazon's Echo devices, it is making voice control the only control.

But it begs the question: why? It's no cheaper for the company to have no screens since they are keeping that version as well. Indeed, since they are paying the same licensing fees their margins for music go down. So why do it? What are they getting out of it? There's some speculation that the hope is it will drive more traffic to them, especially in markets where voice input is popular because text input in the local language is difficult, such as India, China and Japan. And why is that desirable? Because they get more voice samples in other languages and accents to train their voice recognition software. And with voice recognition being a growing feature, a better, more accurate database means more and happier customers for all the company's services and products. In other words (no pun intended) Apple is not so much as discounting their music as paying you five bucks a month to help train their voice AI. 

As with so many ecommerce transactions these days, it's as much about selling goods as amassing data. And so the next time you want Apple to play you a song, to quote one final lyric, this by way of Jackson Brown, the next voice you hear may be your own.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is trying to use voice input when he remembers. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Jose Is Hot

We're coming down the home stretch for the 2021 hurricane season.  With a just under a month to go until the door closes on November 30, it's been a busy year with twenty named storms, seven of which have been declared major tempests. And with apologies to John Cleese, a Storm Called Wanda has just made an appearance.  With no X, Y or Z names, that means we’re moving on to the backup list, starting with Adria and Braylen: heaven help us all if we make it all the way to Will.

The quaint custom of naming Atlantic storms began in 1950 by the then US Weather Bureau. It originally followed the military radio alphabet of Able, Baker and Charlie. Then in 1953 they changed to a list of women's names, following a World War II custom wherein U.S. Army Air Corp and Navy meteorologists named Pacific cyclones after girlfriends and wives. That in itself was a practice inspired by "Storm," a 1941 novel in which a junior meteorologist names one system "Maria" after a former girlfriend. And even that had roots: reportedly, the first use of a proper name for a tropical cyclone was by an Australian forecaster in the early in the 20th century. He gave storms the names of political figures whom he disliked, enabling him to say publicly that a politician was "causing great distress and wandering aimlessly about the Pacific."

In 1978 in a bow to gender equity, cyclones added male names with hurricanes following in 1979. The U.S. Weather Service is the keeper of the flame for storms originating in the Atlantic, but the situation in the Pacific isn't so simple. While the World Meteorological Organization has a master list for large scale events, many countries also have their own naming schemes for storms originating in their waters. And so a hypothetical storm that was alphabetically the second of the season and originated near Brisbane, threatened Papua New Guinea, then veered to Mindanao before taking aim at Jakarta could be known as Billy-Buri-Butchoy-Bakung.

Then in 2012 The Weather Channel, sensing a national need (and a marketing opportunity) stepped into a perceived void, and started naming winter storms. The argument was that "President's Day Storm" and "Snowmageddon" were local monikers, and didn't convey the systematic nature of a cold event. In a press release they said it would "make communication and information sharing much easier, especially in the era of social media. For example, hash tagging a storm based on its name will provide an easy way to gather all of the latest information on an impending high-impact weather system." This according to their Winter Weather Expert at the time, Tim Nizol (Twitter bio: I love 4 seasons but snow is my passion).

But while hurricanes get the headlines and blizzards make for great video, heat waves actually are far more dangerous. Studies have shown that extreme heat kills more people than either of the other two types of weather events. For example, the Great Blizzard of 1888 pummeled the East Coast with 40+ inches of snow, shut down the Brooklyn Bridge and killed 400. Hurricane Katrina, one of the deadliest storms on record, devastated the Gulf Coast in 2005 and killed 1836. Contrast that with a 2003 three-week heat wave that broiled Europe with temperatures consistently at or above 100 Fahrenheit. It killed an estimated 70,000 people, with 14,803 perishing in Paris alone.

That's part of what drove Seville, Spain to announce that they will be the first city to start naming heatwaves this coming year. Mayor Juan Espadas said, "Seville and Andalusia are territories that are particularly threatened by the consequences of climate change. Naming heatwaves will help citizens know the level of risk, the level of intensity, so that they will know how to face them."

The commission in charge has created a working group to come up with criteria for classification, as well as a list of names once the mercury starts to climb. Expect the details in time for the summer season. But once it starts be prepared that the next time you hear that "Jose is hot" it will have less to do with his six-pack abs and more to do with his temperature.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is thinking of naming his naps. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Buy Before You Try

There's an old maxim in photography that film is cheap. What that means is that getting to the right spot, or waiting for the right moment, or getting the right people together for a photo is the hardest part. It might cost you time or hardship or money, but once you do, the thing that cost the least is the celluloid on which the pic is recorded. It's all about capturing a moment in time. And once the stars align for that moment, snap, snap and snap once more, because you might never get the same chance again.

Still, back when it was a physical thing to snap a shot there was most definitely a cost. The film itself had a price, as did the developing and printing. Unlike today where you can see the results of your efforts immediately, every time you pressed the shutter release you took a certain leap of faith. Did you have the right kind of film? Did you have it framed right? Did you have all the settings correct? Have any of them wrong and your efforts were for naught. And so before you pressed that button, you did your due diligence to make sure you had the best chance of getting the shot.

Fast forward to today, and that equation has been flipped on its head, as the cost of film isn't just cheap, its non-existent. And so we snap pics of anything and everything with no thought or consideration. To be sure there are talented photographers who take time and care to make an image come alive. But the vast majority of us just pull out our phone and snap wherever and whatever we feel like with no thought beforehand. That cute puppy? Snap. That nice sunset? Snap. But also the car in front of me, the doodle on the pavement and the sign outside the bakery? Snap, snap, snap. Shoot first, ask why it needs to be memorialized later.

Shopping seems to have undergone a similar reversal. For years the mantra was try before you buy. We would go to a store, and test out prospective acquisitions. That might mean trying on a pair of shoes, or sitting in a chair, or even unpacking your pocketbook in the store and repacking a new model to see if all of your stuff fit. Only after we had some sense of whether the item in question might measure up to our needs did we head to the register and check out.

No more. Now we buy before we try. With generous return policies and free shipping each way, it's no longer a matter of testing and trying, but of clicking and delivering. There is no research involved, unless you consider research sitting on your couch and scrolling through reviews from people you don't know with views and opinions for which you have no reference. 

It goes like this. First, you check the shipping speed: can it be here in 72 hours, hopefully less? Next, is it an item that allows for free returns? With those table stakes in play, you move on to ratings. Like the Olympics, you throw out the high ("The best footrest EVER!") and the low ("The adjustment knob broke a week after I got it. Crap."). Then you average the rest, and if the over/under doesn't seem too bad, you click "Add to cart," checkout, and go back to finishing your bag of Doritos. Two days or so later you find a package on your front stoop. If it fits you or the counter or next to the bed as hoped, all good. If not, you go back and click return because "item is defective" or "website description inaccurate" so there's no chance of getting hit with shipping. Then you try again, dropping the item at The Mail Box Store on the way to the supermarket. Rinse. Repeat.

To be sure, it doesn't work for some things: tissues, underwear and food come to mind. But for most stuff, as long as UPS is in business, it will be hard to put the genie back in the bottle. Save your wedding, never again do you need to go the store to try on an outfit. And even then? Turns out there is a DavidsBridal.com. Now if you could only do the same with your spouse, returns included.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford orders entirely too much online. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Reentry

In a recent interview for The New York Times podcast "Sway," host Kara Swisher was talking with Samantha Bee about the difficulty in reengaging in real life after, well, you know. "Do you know how to interact with people anymore?" asked Swisher. Replied Bee, "No, I do not. My social anxiety is advanced now. I find great protection in my mask." And when Bee finally did have people over to her house? "We threw so much entertainment at them. We just over-provided, to the point that they fled. They were just like, 'Can we please get out of here?'"

It can be tough to become social again after we spent a year learning how to be distant.

Every sandbox you played in, including school, work, social and extended family, was summarily kneecapped in March of 2020. Overnight your daily in-person encounters amounted to your immediate family and delivery people. There was the occasional foray to get supplies, but conversation and engagement was kept to a purposeful minimum. Even if you did chat with your neighbor from opposite sides of the street or on either side of a fence, there was only one topic for discussion. There was no talk of movies or restaurants or concerts or ball games because, well, there were no movies or concerts or restaurants or ball games.

Yes, there was Zoom. So much of progress is someone coming up with something and then looking for the breakthrough moment when it finally makes a difference. And if ever there was a case of a hand looking for a glove, this was it. While the platform was already the leading video conferencing app, last year it went positively nuclear. Steve Jobs famously said, "People don't know what they want until you show it to them." Well, at the end of 2019, there were 10 million daily participants on the service. By April of 2020 the number had grown to 300 million. They showed it to us, and we wanted it.

But that virtual facetime also meant we lost our in-person chops. While we became experts at muting and unmuting, we got out of practice on small talk and body language. While we became really good at juggling our phones to check texts just out of camera range, we got rusty on standing in the same place and looking interested while the speaker was really boring. And while we got proficient at curating our outfits above the waist, we forgot that showing up in person meant needing pants. Well, maybe not forgot, but at least showing up in something that didn't have an elastic waist.

On the flip side, it will be a pleasure to have a meeting with no extraneous distractions. Where only the people meant to be there are there: no dogs, no kids, no guys cutting the lawn. Or to look at Tyler sitting across from you and not have to wonder why he didn't make his bed behind him. Or why Professor Smittens has a plastic schnauzer with a mortarboard over her left shoulder. Or what a pleasure it is to look straight at Ben's face and not up his nose.

Still, reentry is hard. Be assured we'll all get there eventually, because interacting with people in real life is no different from riding a bike. The reason you don't forget how to do either is that both are procedural memories. As opposed to declarative memory, which helps you store "what is what," procedural or muscle memory is more about "how and what." And so laying off skills you haven't used for a while means that while you may be rusty, with a little practice they will come back. It's that way with playing an instrument or ice skating or tying your shoes. And yes, it's also the same with laughing politely while your boss tells you about her adorable grandchild who looks like a monkey.

So ease back on in. For sure you might not get the sarcasm your co-worker employs, or have to relearn the ability to produce that little chuckle needed to encourage a member of your book group to continue, or feel awkward doing that subtle wink to a teammate that didn't work on a webcam. Expect a few speed bumps in your live punning, but you'll get over it. (Did you get that one? No? Not to worry, you'll catch up.)

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is relearning how to appear interested. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Not Good Enough

I used to work with a company that built stuff we needed for projects. Their constructs were perfect for what we were doing: not too expensive, not too fancy, did just what we wanted. But they were also exactly what we needed, and no more. They had no pretensions of grandeur. Indeed the guys who made the stuff knew all the tricks: cheaper materials, techniques that fooled the eye to make it look better than it was, construction that lasted only as long as it was needed. And that was fine: we all understood the deal, and the price was right. One of my associates coined a tongue-in-cheek slogan for them: "When good enough is our very best." 

Buy something and that's often what you get: good enough. Mind you, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You don't always need or want the best that money can buy. Maybe it's a sweater in a particular color for a special outfit, or an ingredient for a recipe that will be mixed in with many others, or a spare power supply to throw in your backpack. A trip to Walmart or Target or a click on some no-name product on Amazon might get you something that's just fine for your purposes, where price and performance combine to hit the value sweet spot you want and need.

Then again, sometimes you want to go to the other extreme. You are willing to spend whatever it costs to get the best even if there are suitable lower priced alternatives. Of course, that beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder. While one person might be happy with a Ford Explorer, for another only a Porsche Cayenne will do. Both get you from place to place so it's not about functionality. It's about style, it's about status, it's about a lot of intangibles.

And so it is with bourbon. There's plenty of variety out there, with price points and tastes for any drinker. Some brands are indeed good enough: they aren't stand-outs, but are enjoyable to drink and don't cost an arm and a leg. Others boast a more sophisticated flavor profile, and come with a commensurate premium price. And then there are some that aficionados hunger for, and are willing to spend a 2500% premium above a bottle of Knob Creek to snag on the secondary market.

That's the case for George T. Stagg Straight Bourbon Whiskey. A product of the Buffalo Trace Distillery, this stuff is put up in barrels for 15 years in limited quantities, then decanted and bottled. It is released just once a year on a strict allocation basis, and has a cult following among enthusiasts. Though it has a suggested retail price of $99, good luck finding some at the that cost: depending on the specific year, the average price for this hooch runs around $1254 per bottle.

At that price "good enough" is simply not. It has to live up the hype, or the whole mystique goes away. You know that routine where you order a bottle of wine, the waiter brings it to your table and gives you a little sip to make sure it hasn't turned? Well, the master distillers at Buffalo Trace do the same thing. Except this year, rather say "fine" and indicate to fill up the glasses around the table, they turned up their noses. "Unfortunately, this crop of barrels earmarked to be Stagg back when it was put in the barrel in 2006 did not meet the Stagg profile today," said master distiller Harlen Wheatley. "We discussed at great length how to proceed, and ultimately decided we did not feel right about lowering our standards or the age, by dipping into next year's supply of barrels." And so they decided to put it aside, and let it mature a bit more. But that also means that this year's drinkers will be Stagless.

Think about it: a company that made a product, brought it to market, and then decided it wasn't right and ate the multiple millions it cost to develop it. They felt that good enough simply wasn't. Perhaps we can all take a lesson. Or as Cher once said, "There are lots of things that I'd like to be, and nice just doesn't seem good enough."

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Marc Wollin of Bedford has been known to sip some bourbon. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Cluck This

The numbers are up, way up. To be sure, there are regional variations: they are highest in the south and southwest, but still trending steadily upwards in the northeast and west. And while the increase is across the board, the demographics with the greatest increase appear to skew towards those that are older, female, have higher incomes, have children in the household, and live in the suburbs. While empirical data as to the best option is hard to come by, experts do say that one choice is a standout. And that name is not Moderna, Pfizer or J&J, but Popeye's. Because for once we're not taking statistics about vaccines, we're talking chicken sandwiches.

If you had to name the definitive fast food sandwich, most would default to the iconic McDonald's burger. And throughout most of QSR history (that's Quick Service Restaurant, what industry prefers to call itself) you would have been right. Ever since Ray Kroc founded the first Mickey D's in 1955, it has come to define and dominate our takeout lives. It was a few years later in 1964 that Chick-fil-A introduced a mass market poultry competitor: a portion of white chicken meat, breaded, fried and served in a steamed roll with some pickles. While it was popular enough to spread to other chains, it was most decidedly an also-ran for years and years, something to have on the menu for those picky eaters that had un-American beef-based palates.

But a variety of factors, from shifting tastes to healthier eating habits to just plain solid marketing have all helped to take chicken from a mere challenger to a contender. Availability also helped: according to the USDA, in 2018 65.2 pounds of chicken per person were available for Americans to eat (on a boneless, edible basis) as compared to 54.6 pounds of beef. In fact, since 1970, U.S. chicken availability per person has more than doubled. That has translated into demand, as roughly 65 percent of the U.S. population has ordered a breaded chicken sandwich from a quick service restaurant in the six months ending April of this year.

While it had its devotees, there was no breakout moment. None, that is, until August of 2019, when Popeye's burst onto the landscape. While they had tried once before with a Chicken Po-Boy in 2003, it never gained traction and was eventually discontinued. This was different. It quickly sold out, then reappeared in November. It's hard to believe the press would swoon over a fast food item, but swoon they did. Said one review "There is almost certainly better fried chicken in the world than the version found at Popeyes, but only marginally so." Another said" it's a tiny miracle." And still another rated it "10 out of 10: I would cancel plans for it." 

Of course, success like that means the battle is joined. Every major and minor player threw their breast into the ring: KFC, Whataburger, Wendy's, Church's, Zaxbys, Fatburger and yes, McDonald's, all rolled out new offerings or refreshed old ones. It got so you couldn't stretch a wing without hitting a brioche bun and a tangy sauce. All those choices helped fuel demand, to the point that annual growth in consumption is over 24%. If the sandwich were a stock and you bought in, you would be one wealthy cluck.

But wait, there's trouble on the horizon, as the next chapter of the story may about to be written. One of the biggest trends in food is the growth of plant-based products, with plant-based meat sales up 45%. That helps to explain why the two largest artificial protein purveyors, Beyond Meat and Impossible Foods, have both rolled out chicken replacement products. Doing what they did for beef in replicating taste and texture, you can now get Beyond Chicken Tenders and Impossible Nuggets. Reviews have been positive: this is one case were the phrase "tastes like chicken" is high praise indeed.

In the late 1960s you might have had the good fortune to happen across a radio series about a mild-mannered shoe salesman named Benton Harbor. On the weekend he fought crime as "the most fantastic crime fighter the world has ever known," striking terror into the hearts of evil doers as Chickenman. The Fantastic Fowl's battle cry? "He's everywhere, He's everywhere!" Was he talking chicken sandwich or super hero? It remains to be seen.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford loves a good piece of fried chicken. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Smooth Criminals

Two-time Pulitzer Prize winner Colson Whitehead's latest book "Harlem Shuffle" centers on a petty criminal named Ray Carney. Carney is a fence, a minor yet essential player in the criminal firmament, whom Whitehead describes as "only slightly bent when it came to being crooked." Asked in one interview whether there was any criminality in his own background which helped him to flesh out Carney's character, Whitehead confessed that, alas, he is a Boy scout: his only overt theft was that of WiFi.

In that respect he is like many if not most of us. By and large we follow the rules and laws, and generally don't engage in murders, robbery or other major crimes. Still, there are multiple petty offences we do commit willfully, rationalizing them as victimless or harmless. In other cases we cross the line without knowledge of the statute we are breaking, a concept known legally known as "ignorantia juris non excusat." You don't need a degree in Latin to translate that as "stupid don't make for a defense."

The list of our everyday transgressions is ubiquitous. WiFi theft is certainly one of them: I for one don't have enough fingers to count the times I've pulled up next to a Starbucks or other café and tapped into their signal without going in and buying anything. Ever share a Netflix or similar password with a friend? Expressly forbidden in their user agreement. Likewise using a false name or alias on a website. That's a no-no, as most sites specifically ask you to use and register your real name and contact info. And who among us can throw the first stone professing to never having used their cell phone while driving? Dangerous for sure, and guilty without a doubt.

Then there's the whole world of copyright. That's the protection of material created by others who then have the right to be compensated when it is used. In prehistoric times that meant that you were breaking the law if you made a photocopy of a magazine article to share with a class or friends. But that was mere shoplifting as compared to the bank heist that happens with the internet. Now pictures, music, videos – anything and everything that is posted online – is routinely "borrowed" for other uses without permission or compensation. That New Yorker cartoon you put in your PowerPoint? Guilty! That Smashmouth song you run behind that montage of little league pics? Guilty! That movie clip of from a James Bond flick that you added to your vacation highlight video? Guilty! For the record, that's guilty, guilty and guilty!

There's a myriad of other crimes that are black letter law pure and simple, but rarely get called out. Ever go over the speed limit? More often than not, if it's within a 5 to 10 an hour bumper, the cops will let you slide. Ever duck into the bushes to relieve yourself? There are most likely ordinances that forbid exposing yourself in a public place even if you just have to go. Cross the street between intersections or while the light is red? While it may not be a federal crime, there are laws on the books of most municipalities prohibiting exactly that. And what about taking your spouse's antihistamine? It actually is a federal offense to take medication not prescribed for you, but according to the American College of Preventative Medicine, people get nearly 60% of prescription drugs from family and friends. We'll see you all in court.

Even being a good citizen and preventing the spread of COVID can run you afoul of the law. We're not talking whether or not you abide by mask or vaccine mandates. But if you take your mask and hang it from your rearview mirror on your way to your next appointment, in many municipalities it is no more legal than fuzzy dice or air fresheners. On your face, legal and encouraged. On your windshield, not so much.

In in most cases our flirting with the wrong side of the law is thankfully harmless even if technically wrong. Indeed, if pushed to a life of crime, most of us would likely be inept criminals rather than smooth ones. Or as Rodney Dangerfield put it, "Once a guy pulled a knife on me, but I knew he wasn't a professional because the knife had butter on it." 

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Marc Wollin of Bedford tries to follow the rules. Mostly. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Doh!

Marie Kondo says if you have things that don't bring you pleasure you should get rid of them. And while that might work for old tee shirts, cookware or even your current squeeze, sometimes there's useful life left in that old stuff. For that reason I am loath to just toss items I might have a use for at a later date. Maybe it's an old phone which that I can repurpose as an alarm clock. Or perhaps a used backpack which will keep the miscellaneous stuff in my trunk from rolling around. Go ahead: make fun of the stack of wood remnants that I have in the garage. But when I wanted to convert the firepit into an outdoor coffee table I had the materials at hand. Ask to see it the next time you come over.

The same goes for food. We're not talking leftovers, which are specifically made to be extra. After all, any home cook has learned the value of adding another cup of water to the soup to have another night. Rather, the challenge is what to do with that half-open can or bag that wasn't used in a recipe, and might be reaching its half-life. Sometimes that means googling olives, cheese and artichoke hearts, and just seeing if any of the possibilities are inviting.

Then there's the stuff that's extra by design. Like many, during our enforced lockdown I tried my hand at baking bread. The result was fine, but not stellar. Then we had the good fortune to be invited to a friend's for dinner just as the vaccination dam was breaking. She had also dipped her toe into the boulangerie experience, but had progressed on beyond focaccia to sourdough. Now, THAT was bread! I asked nicely for a lump of the starter to try my hand, which she generously gave me. And off I went.

If you don't know the drill, sourdough is sour because it is basically controlled spoilage. To keep it alive and continually spoiling it has to be carefully fed and watered. Literally. Once a week or so, whether you are using it to bake or not, you have to give it some food and drink and let it grow a bit. If you are baking you take the growing mass and use it in your batter in place of regular yeast to cause your loaf to rise. Get it right, and you'll never buy another loaf from the store again.

However baking bread takes time. And like a dog that has to be walked, whether you bake or not the starter has to be tended to regularly or it will die. Feed it and it grows. But that also means that every week you have more starter than when you began. Even if you only start with a tiny bit, it will double or triple. You learn very quickly that unless you throw out a good bit, you will start to drown in the stuff. 

Which brings us back to hating to throw things away. There are numerous recipes for leftover starter: pancakes, muffins and pretzels. My fav is pizza dough: sourdough pizza has become our new special Friday night treat, and it uses up a good portion of the leftover from that week's feeding. The process checks all the boxes: something good to eat, no waste of food. and an easy to prepare end-of-week meal.

But skip a week and trouble might be brewing. Consider the cautionary report out of New Orleans about a Domino's Pizza restaurant. Seems that in the runup to Hurricane Ida the staff dumped their unused starter/pizza dough in the dumpster out back. All the other organic matter in there plus the heat combined to make that leftover dough one happy camper. The result was a massive blob of dough that bubbled up and out of the dumpster and started to claim the parking lot. 

I'm not saying that my leftover starter will come through the refrigerator door. But now that I have begun down this road, I'm afraid that it's a lifetime commitment to containment. And if not? All I can think of is the scene from "Alien" where the creature bursts from John Hurt's chest. Couldn't happen to my fridge, could it? But I'll bet that's what they said in the Big Easy, too. 

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Marc Wollin of Bedford likes to cook with whatever he has. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Thanks and Well Done

After back-to-back appointments all morning, our schedule had a big hole in it. After catching up on some other projects, there was literally nothing for us to do for the next 3 hours until our last shot of the day.  I let the gang know I would be out for a bit, grabbed my phone and hat, and headed out the door to take a walk.

Being a nice day, I opted to head to the river. As we were at the top edge of midtown on the West Side, in minutes I was in Riverside Park. One of just 10 scenic landmarks in New York City, this green space stretches about 100 blocks from 59th Street north, and encompasses playgrounds and walkways, cafes and piers, ball fields and sculptures. Tucked between the Westside Highway and the water, it is perhaps the most uncrowded of the major green spaces in New York City.

As I walked along I noted that the flowers were in bloom and the trees all trimmed. Having never really visited the space, I was duly impressed with the thoughtfully designed landscaping, and the obvious care are that had been taken to keep it up. I passed 3 gardeners weeding and watering, and was well past them when I decided to share my delight.

I looped back the half block or so I had traveled and headed to them. Being city workers in official clothing (even if they were just Park Department tee shirts) I'm sure they saw me coming and expected yet another complaint about a broken bench or a request for directions to a bathroom. They looked up and nodded as I approached. "I just wanted to say how great this place looks," I began. "I don't usually walk along here, but had the chance today. And I was just saying to myself what a pleasure it is." They stopped what they were doing and started to smile. I continued: "I have to thank you for all you are doing to make it such a great space for me and anyone else walking along. It really shows. Thanks for your efforts." Then I turned and left.

To say they beamed at me as I walked away was an understatement. 

We are all quick to complain when something goes wrong, and with good reason. If you're going to spend your limited money or time or attention on something you want it to be right. It might be at a restaurant or a concert or at a store. In those circumstances there's an expectation of performance to a certain level, along with a distinct quid pro quo. It's not that you shouldn't thank the person on the opposite side, but everyone understands the transactional nature of the encounter. Merely adequate is table stakes: anything else deserves a comment. And unfortunately we usually only weigh in when it's negative. 

But it shouldn't be like that. Even a little simple acknowledgement goes a long way. No, the guy pumping gas is not performing any exceptional service. But a "please" and "thank you" along with a smile is the least you can do. And just the littlest bit more can make an impression. At a garage where I planned on parking for a few successive days I asked the name of the gentleman who took my car. The next day when I returned and greeted him by name, he broke into a big grin. It was literally nothing, but you would have thought he just got a raise. And when I returned that evening, my car wasn't buried in the back but waiting for me right in front.

I do the same for my preferred coffee cart. Again, usually a nameless interaction, purely a commercial exchange of money for java. But after doing that for several days, I decided to ask the guy's name. He seemed startled that I would care, and that on subsequent days I would actually remember and use it. Now as I walk up the street, if he glances out I see him turn this back and get busy. And by the time I get to his window there is a cup waiting for me. 

It's not like I really did anything. And what I did do was exceedingly small. But I did do something. And sometimes that's all it takes to make a difference. 

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Marc Wollin of Bedford needs to engage more. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Thataway

Given a choice, most people will prefer one thing over another. In most cases there's no right or wrong, just different tastes and ways of doing things. Neither selection is inherently better, and depending on circumstance, one might even slide across the divide and go the other way: these are not choices carved in stone. Sparkling water or still. Clean desk or messy. Bookmark or folded page. By and large, the choice you make conveys no baggage, and is merely taken as a minor idiosyncratic tic that neither adds nor detracts from the overall impression you convey to the world.

That said, it is also true that certain binary choices elicit more passion than others. We're not talking the obvious ones, such as Conservative vs Liberal. Still, proponents of positions in these other areas can be far less flexible. They are less forgiving of opposing viewpoints, strident in their preaching of the correctness of their choice, and highly unlikely to venture across the bright red line demarking the middle. Toilet paper hung over or under. Hotdogs with ketchup or mustard. Apple vs. Android. Surveys have borne this out: 93% of people surveyed say they could never be happy with someone who has pineapple on their pizza.

In a nutshell, that is the root of many of the ills we have today: our unwillingness to see another point of view. And so at the urging of my wife's cousin, I have been tried to at least peer across a similar divide, and see how those people think. Linda had no dog in the fight, as her company makes the products on both sides of the split. She merely nodded as I pontificated, smiled lightly as I demeaned the other side, then calmly explained the differences to encourage me to keep an open mind, which, truth be told, was already made up. Still, I was willing to at least make an effort to not be so ideological rigid when it comes down to Google Maps vs Waze.

If you don't drive, then stop now, and go get something from the fridge. But if you do, chances are you have become an aficionado of one of these two. Even if you are simply driving home from the city, a route you've taken a thousand times, there's a reasonable chance you engage your fav to pinpoint where the backups exist, where the speed traps are waiting, and to give you a guesstimate as to when you'll finally get home for dinner.

If you're a Maps person, you're a Dragnet driver: just the facts, ma'am. Maps is the Michelin Guide as an electronic road map. It's all detail and no personality, showing you the unadorned way to get from point A to point B. For example, to go from New York to Washington DC it plots a drive down Route 95 as a straight line, and offers an option to swing out to Gettysburg and loop in via Frederick. It shows that route as a little longer, but makes no judgement as to why you should or shouldn't take it. Maps makes use of the travel data coming in from other drivers, so you see where the traffic is and is not. But it only suggests. You decide.

Waze, on the other hand, is the crowd sourced, videogame-inspired, Facebook version of a trip. Your car is a little cartoon, and stuff pops up as you travel, including ads. Waze encourages you to live out loud, reporting what you see and sharing that with other drivers. The more people report in, the more info you get. As you drive, little icons, symbols and sound effects make it feel like you are living inside the machine trying to get to Narnia or the Matrix or wherever. 

Both generally get you where you want to go: it comes down to style more than substance. If you like to post what you had for breakfast, pin your favorite fashions, and carry a Switch in your bag for downtimes, Waze is right up your alley. If you want to know when to turn left and nothing more, then Maps is more your speed. As for me, let me say for years one of my proudest possessions was my box of service station road maps. Can you guess on which side of the divide I come down?

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Marc Wollin of Bedford uses his GPS on almost every drive over 20 miles. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Big and Little

If ever there was an industry that has been turned inside out, it is retail. For years it was strictly a mom and pop business, whether it was the corner grocery or a dress shop or a hardware store. Then in the 1800's, as urban environments started to grow and the population grew more sophisticated and discerning, department stores made an appearance. Macy's (1858), Bloomingdales (1861) and Sears (1886) became fixtures, showcasing the latest innovations in clothing, home furnishings and luxury items people didn't even know they needed.

As the suburbs exploded malls made their appearance. Usually anchored by one or more major department stores, they also provided space for specialty retailers. These shops essentially deconstructed those department stores back into individual establishments catering to particular areas and specific tastes. While the social aspects of malls were appealing, they were hardly efficient for shopping for necessities. That led to the growth of the Big Box Stores like Walmart, Target and K Mart, offering one stop shopping for everything from underwear to bicycles to floor lamps.

And then came the internet.

Buying online meant pants you couldn't try on, appliances you couldn't test and tennis racquets you couldn't swing. And what's worse, you couldn't take any of that stuff home with you, you had to wait for them to be delivered. No way that will work, right? Well, way. After some initial hesitation and some tweaking of the business models, we went into ecommerce in a big way. How big? Founded in 1994 as a book seller, Amazon had total revenue the following year that was just $511,000. It has grown steadily, pivoting from just books to handle practically every item under the sun. But especially driven by the pandemic, its growth has gone from merely eyepopping to positively nuclear: for the 12 months ending in June it sold more than $610 billion worth of goods, topping every other retailer physical or online outside of China.

But a closer examination of the number reveals a subtle distinction. Whereas Walmart is a single store, with all its sales going towards its bottom line, Amazon has become a collection of stores under one roof. Almost 2 million independent sellers have storefronts there, and they account for 56% of the items sold. And a large number of those sellers are not large operations, but very narrow specialty retailers. One sells phone accessories, another lawn furniture, another sweatshirts. There's the KRATAC store for archery supplies, the SparkPod store for shower heads and the Joytale Store for dog collars. 

So it seems we do want singular specialty retailers, as long as they all occupy the same space on our couch. We're loath to get up and go anywhere when we can click and have it in our hands within the week, sooner if we are Prime members. Unless, of course, it is something so singular, so brand specific, then we might make the trip to the city or the mall. That accounts for the Apple store and the M&M store and the Coca-Cola store. Icons each, the flagship product of their segment. 

Which leads us to the Oreo Cafe.

The 3500 square foot emporium devoted to all things round and chocolate with vanilla in the middle just opened in the American Dream Mall in Rutherford NJ. Yes, you can buy various versions of the classic cookie. But the real action is in the custom made dishes featuring Oreos, like a waffle sundae with Oreo chunks in the waffle. Or a cheesecake layered with Oreo cookie mousse and chocolate roses. For true believers, and not posted on the in-store menu, is one only available if you know about it from Instagram, the Oreo Donut S'Morewich. Since I haven't been sworn to secrecy, I will let slip that it's scoops of Oreo ice cream, chocolate waffle cone pieces, a marshmallow-glazed donut, fudge, sprinkles and Oreo cookies. You can also order with a side of insulin

Whether the Oreo Cafe will be as successful as the HBTower Store remains to be seen. After all, on Amazon you can order a stepstool from HB, have it at your house within days, and even return it if it's not high enough. Can't do any of that with an Oreo Strawberry Smoothie. On the other hand, one is a ladder, the other is an Oreo Strawberry Smoothie. My money is on the drink.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford buys online because it's easier. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

First Name Basis

If you wanted to buy a toy in 1922 you might pick a Flossy Flirt Doll, whose key feature was that her eyes could roll up and down. You could select a Tim the Tinker Toy Boy, which was made of smooth wooden balls threaded together with strong string. Or you could opt for the original Teddy Bear, so called because it was named after President Theodore Roosevelt's appearance in a cartoon where he was pictured refusing to kill a baby black bear. 

You could also buy Radio Rex, which was a brown bulldog made of celluloid and metal who lived in a wooden house with a red roof and his name on the front. What made Rex stand out from the others was not his design, which was pretty basic. What was unique was a small electromagnet in his house which was activated by sound. Say "Rex!" loud enough and a switch holding the magnet released, popping Rex out to take a walk. Simply put, his appearance was based on the sound of your voice. And so you could make a case that nearly 90 years before Siri drew her first breath Radio Rex was the first voice assistant.

These days we're on a first name basis with more and more electronic helpers. However, as opposed to HAL, the all-powerful and brilliant servant who turns deadly in "2001: A Space Odyssey," today's assistants are mostly simple beings with vast knowledge and limited skill sets. Ask them the crop yield of Namibia or the time of the next sunset and you'll get an answer back in seconds. But ask them to send an email or start dinner or and you'll either get "Sorry, I can't do that" or just as likely "Millard Fillmore was the 13th president of the United States." 

Still, if you are of a mind, more and more of your interactions with services and suppliers can be based on voice input, with all the good and the bad that that brings. To be sure, convenience is certainly a factor: no need to type or unlock anything. All you do is speak, and your new friend will respond. Want to know the balance in your checking account? Erica, the online assistant from Bank of America, will happily oblige. If you're an employee at Walmart, you can "Ask Sam" to pull up store maps, look up prices and locate products for customers (a shopper version is in the works). Windows users have Cortana, and Samsung aficionados have Bixby. Each listens intently and tries to do your bidding, which is likely more than you get from anyone else in your household.

The big dogs are Siri, Alexa, and the nomenclature-challenged Assistant from Google. What they do it is truly remarkable: they listen, convert that sound into bits, blast that query to some data center halfway around the globe, solve for the ask, then blast it back and reconvert it back into speech, all within seconds. If the result was close even 10% of the time it would be amazing. The fact that your lights get turned on or you pull up that Elton John track or you get the weather for the weekend 90% of the time is nothing short of magic.

As they become more ubiquitous, however, they can start to feel like you have a precocious and nosy child in the house. You find yourself whispering around them, less you trigger them to become part of the conversation. A friend who is a talented musician posted a video about her new track and sent me a link. I called it up: in it she says "Ask Alexa to play the new Claudia Hayden track!" Well, MY Alexa heard her, jumped to Spotify and up came "Central Park West." Was it subliminal control, advertising, or happy coincidence?  Either way, it's a great tune.

And that will happen more and more. Wake words be dammed, if you can say it they will do it. But take pity on that poor subset of individuals whose folks thought they were naming their daughters after a character in the TV show "Party of Five" or Barbie's best friend in the movie "The Diamond Castle." Ask those Alexas what the weather will be, and they just might give you a forecast for a place where the sun don't shine.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is trying to recognize his own speech. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

First Time Caller

 All the new neighbors were checking in. Michael Carpentino called, then Maria Rockwood. Just before that it was Barry Grossbaum, David Solomon and Janet McErlean. And not be left out we also heard from Indra Dube, Charles Brown and John Loveless. Another new person called a few times, as well: I guess whatever they had to say must have been important as they kept trying. The caller ID for 914-234-5147? First name "Probably," last name "Fraud."

Of late our phone has been ringing off the hook. I wish I could say it's because we were so popular, and everyone wants to talk. But just as the Delta variant has fueled a rise in infections, the current state of the pandemic has also pushed up another infestation with a less lethal but more annoying profile, the scourge of robocalls using local numbers and fictitious neighbors.

While there have always been unsolicited sales and scam calls, ever since the deregulation of the phone system and the move to computer-based telecommunications the problem has exploded. As of this writing 2021 was on pace to reach 51.5 billion robocalls, a big jump from 2020 (45.9 billion), and closing in on 2019's record tally of 58.5 billion, up 22% from the year before. The reason for the dip was, like almost everything else over the last 16 months, the effects of COVID. Yes, more people were at home to answer the phone, but call centers had been shut down or their head count severely restricted due to quarantines and social distancing. And there's no point in asking people to "Press 1 to be connected to an agent" when there are no agents to be connected to. 

Still, the economics mean that that whatever the health situation robocalls are not going away without a fight. For very little investment the returns are impressive. As an example, you can buy 125,000 minutes of robocalls for $875 from Message Communications Inc., one suppler who has already been fined by the government. If a person listens for just three seconds to one of their calls, that $875 would equate to 2.5 million calls, with a single penny buying 28 spam calls. Even if just one out of every 10,000 calls of those calls turns into an actual lead, at the going rate of $7 per lead, just an hour of robocalls nets $1,750 in revenue, or over 100% return on the initial investment. 

Various strategies have been tried to combat the onslaught, but it's basically a game of whack-a-mole, though as Aaron Foss, the founder of anti-spam call company Nomorobo says, "Whack-a-mole is fun, fighting robocallers isn't." Do Not Call lists and selective legal prosecution help. And third-party software fixes like Foss' can be effective: his company claims it has stopped 2 billion robocalls since it was started in 2013. But with so many spammers located overseas in places with less than robust legal systems and regulation, it's a losing battle. 

Some help may be on the way in the form of a new technology being rolled out as we speak. The FCC is implementing a new system obviously designed by a James Bond aficionado. Called Secure Telephone Identity Revisited and Signature-based Handling of Asserted Information Using Tokens, it is better known in the industry by its acronym, STIR/SHAKEN. The idea is to force the networks that carry the calls to beef up authentication and verification of caller ID information for calls carried over computer based networks. That means the Verizon and AT&T will now be responsible for insuring that when your neighbor's name pops up on your screen that it really is coming from the house down the street, and not from a warehouse of servers in Uzbekistan. 

Still, just as the rest of us are getting back to work so are the spammers. Short of ripping your phone out of the wall, there's not a lot you can do that is truly effective. With the cost of making the calls so low and the threat of prosecution so remote, expect your phone to keep on ringing. In fact, there goes ours again. Another local number and another call from Holly Ash or Frank Rocco or Jeffery Maron. I never knew so many neighbors wanted to have a word.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't answer the phone unless it's his wife, mother or kids. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Now Hiring

In spite of a continuing improvement in the job numbers, much has been written these days about the labor imbalance. While the trend is getting better, many are still out of work, driven primarily by various COVID issues and the shift from in-person work to remote. At the same time any number of employers are having problems finding people willing to take existing jobs, with seasonal businesses, retail and restaurants especially hard hit. Contributing factors include those same COVID issues, as well as lack of foreign workers due to travel restrictions, and working conditions and wages in those mostly blue collar areas. The steadily improving numbers do seem to forecast that it will likely work itself out (no pun intended), but it will take time. Or perhaps as paraphrased by an old Johnny Mathias song, there's both too much and too little, and hopefully it will be resolved not too late.

That doesn't mean that the job market is stagnant, just shifting. Truth be told it always has: as the economy has evolved so too have the opportunities within it. A hundred years ago the predominant industries were manufacturing, and there was no better ticket to the middle class than a factory job. These days those industries have mostly moved overseas, and what's left is but a tiny fraction of the overall market, with the service industry dominating the landscape. And as accelerated by the pandemic remote work of all kinds is growing, from tech support to customer assistance to sales. 

As to the most desirable jobs, that has morphed as well. In the 1960's doctors or pilots were top of the heap, in the 80's and 90's it was a job on Wall Street, and more recently almost anything in the tech industry. What has made jobs take that top slot has also changed. Compensation is always a factor, to be sure. But other qualities have come into play, with the current hot buttons including things like schedule flexibility, the ability to work remotely and a first-hand or personal connection to the industry.

In that light comes a job posting from the world's largest spice maker McCormick. Known for flavorings and seasonings in their distinctive red topped packages, their products are a staple in kitchens, whether it be a bottle of vanilla or a shaker of oregano. Most of the company's 13,000 employees have jobs of the traditional sort: engineers and researchers, marketing and HR specialists, admins and material handlers. But one of their most recent postings might play right into your own personal sweet spot, the one where you work on your own following you own schedule in an area where you have a passion: Director of Taco Relations.

A four-month posting starting September 1, the DTR will do more than just work on Taco Tuesdays. Per the posting on the company's site, the job is open to all experience levels, and while a previous job in the food service industry is not a prerequisite, one should have "a deep love of tacos." Responsibilities include keeping tabs on taco trends, taste testing and consulting on inspirational and approachable taco formulations and sharing "out of the box yet approachable taco recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner." While most of the work can be done remotely and via virtual meetings, there is a requirement to "visit the McCormick HQ in Hunt Valley, Maryland to become familiar with the team and have taco immersion (and eating) sessions." For your time and expertise the company will compensate you with McCormick taco seasonings and other products, as well as up to $25,000 per 20 hours of work per month. That should keep you in salsa.

If you consider one of the great discussion points in life as to whether a hard or soft shell is superior, this just might be up your alley. As for me, I am more a burrito guy, and so wouldn't likely make the short list. But that doesn't mean I don't have my eye out for similar opportunities in related fields. I need to work my LinkedIn contacts and see who I know at Hershey's. For should Reese's post a job for Director of Peanut Butter Cup QC, not only am I highly qualified, but I would likely pay them just to get the business card.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford is a peanutbutterholic. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Safe Snow

With the fires in the western US, flooding in Germany and mudslides in Colorado, even those who have their doubts about climate change are being forced to acknowledge that something is happening. True, there will always be those deniers like Senator James Inhofe, who famously brought a snowball to the floor of Congress in February of 2015 to demonstrate that it still gets cold in the winter. One assumes he used the same logic to pronounce that since he had an easy commute home that night that traffic has been tamed.

Beyond that small set of individuals most believe that the planet is indeed warming. Nearly all active publishing climate scientists, a number hovering around 97%, support the strong scientific consensus that the Earth's temperature is going up and that this warming is mainly caused by human activities. Even those who take issue with that number acknowledge that it might "only" be around 80%. In the general population the number is closer to 60%, but if you remove the "who dun it: nature vs nurture?" argument, you start to see numbers nearing 90% of people who agree that global warming is indeed happening, and we will have to figure out some way to deal with it.

The big question is "what?" The aspirational goals of "cut emissions" and "remove CO2" and "develop alternative energy" all sound laudable, but they will take time if they happen at all. In the meantime we're left coping with the effects of stuff that doesn't happen fast, meaning a need for urgency isn't readily apparent. Additionally, many of the actions we can take on a personal level are cursed by the double whammy of being seemingly insignificant while also inconvenient. Yes, we can indeed save trees and reduce landfills by bringing our own reusable bags to the grocery store, but it's annoying. Added to all that is the hypocrisy of those who may articulate reasonable ideas, but do so at exclusive conferences reached by private jets.

Still, being unable to make obvious impacts in a short period of time should not stop us from trying to do anything. Witness the actions of Pontedilegno-Tonale, a ski resort in northern Italy. While its spectacular scenery, hiking and mountain biking trails help it draw tourists all year round, the place is built on winter sports. With 4 different ski areas, 41 slopes covering 100 kilometers, and 28 lifts, it attracts families and experts alike. And its location atop the Presena Glacier in the Alps means that it has the climate to operate those trails from autumn to spring.

That location also means that global warming is more than just an inconvenience, but a true threat to their very existence. The reason is simple: warmth and snow just don't go together, with the result being that since 1993 the glacier has lost one third of its volume. So as the cold season gets shorter and the summer gets hotter they decided they had to do something to protect the very ground on which the place is built, or more correctly, the very glacier. In your case if the sun is too strong you put on sunscreen; in their case, they put on tarps. 

Big white ones, and lots of them. Starting with a trial run in 2008, they have added more covering each year to prevent the snow from melting. Workers unroll long strips, each 77 yards long by 5 yards wide down the slopes, then sew them together to keep warm breezes from drifting underneath, and weigh it all down with sandbags. It takes about 6 weeks to spool it out, the same to remove it come fall. When it started 13 years ago they covered about 30,000 square meters; they're now up to 100,000. And it seems to work: tests show that putting a topper over the snow and ice reduced melting by 60%.

As we're seeing with flooded subways from New York to China, and smoke clouds in the east from fires in the west, the effects are impacting more and more people, not just those living on exposed shore lines or frozen ground. Mark Twain famously said "If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death." Well, it seems to be going in the other direction, but unless we do something the end results may be the same.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford needs to do more. Period. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

Ultichinno

Unless your workplace was always in your own home, you likely got up and shot out the door, figuring you would get your morning eye opener closer to your final destination. Whether you stopped off at the corner deli or dropped into the teachers' lounge or swung past the cart on the corner, there's a reasonable chance someone else brewed your kickoff cup o' joe.

Not this past year. Likely one of the biggest changes to your morning routine has been that you've had to be your own barista. And while you may have your preferred brand or flavor, the end result was likely a fairly simple affair. You put some ground-up beans in a pot, added some hot water and that was it. You might add some sweetener or something to lighten it, but that was probably the extent of your customization. No double shot of this, no sprinkle of that, no artfully poured foam forming a flower on top.

But now that the world is opening up you can once again overpay for the privilege of someone giving you brown hot water. Up until 1987 that was all it used to be, save some minor and easily replicable customizations. That all changed when Howard Shultz bought Starbucks and turned it from a small coffee-only specialty retailer in Seattle into the worldwide java-themed behemoth it is today. And so began the age of organically-grown sustainably-produced fair-trade jitter juice that can be ordered as bespoke as any suit from Saville Row. 

And we're not just talking one or two sugars. Walk into any Starbucks and the menu board sports a dizzying array of creations that take coffee drinking to the next level. There are the classic variations you can get in any Italian café, such as lattes and espressos and macchiatos, and the more modern flat white and Americano, almost all available hot or iced. Beyond that are the home-grown cold beverages under the trademarked Frappuccino label. These ice, coffee and sugar blends are designed to give a coffee-esque spin to a milkshake, and come in a dizzying variety of flavors, from White Chocolate Mocha to Caramel Ribbon Crunch to Java Chip. 

Additionally the company rolls out specialty items to coincide with various events and seasons. Their 2021 Summer Menu features flavors such as Strawberry Funnel Cake, Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade and Mocha Cookie Crumble. From the names alone you would think you were in a bakery or rooftop bar. But no, they are created in a retail chain built on the art of brewing coffee, even if they bear about as much resemblance to a cup of Pike Place Roast as a rabbit to a tractor trailer.

There's even a supposedly "secret" menu, though the secret is so out that many an experienced green apron employee will know these concoctions without going to the vault to look up the recipe. There's the Thin Mint Frappuccino (green tea, java chips, mocha and peppermint syrup, and designed to mimic a Girl Scout Cookie), the Chocolate Covered Strawberrry (Coldbrew coffee with raspberry syrup and strawberry puree) and Butterbeer (an homage to Harry Potter, it's caramel, toffee nut flavoring and cinnamon syrup). And for your four-legged friend ask at the drive-in window for a small cup of whipped cream, known as a Puppuccino.

But the real action in customization is the almost infinite variety of shots, syrups and other ingredients you can request to be added to any given drink. Yes, some people refer an extra squirt of vanilla syrup, or a double shot of espresso. But that pales in comparison to the postings by Baristas who have to concoct bitches-brew demands from obviously deranged people like this one: "Trenti iced coffee, 12 pumps [sugar-free] vanilla, 12 pumps [sugar-free] hazelnut, 12 pumps [sugar-free] caramel, 5 pumps skinny mocha, a splash of soy, coffee to the star on the siren's head, ice, double-blended!" I'm not a proponent of violence, but if were I behind the counter that could make me reconsider.

As for me, I will stop by the last cart before I reach my destination, forego speaking Starbuckian, and order a large (not tall, grande or venti), pay the man my two bucks and go on my way. Because sometimes to start your day, you don't need an inspirational quote, you just need coffee.

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Marc Wollin of Bedford doesn't have to have a cup, but he likes it. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.

World Record

With the Olympics starting up the world will once again be treated to amazing feats of athletic ability. There will be Bronze, Silver and Gold medalists, attesting that those who earn it are the best in their sports. Additionally, some of those performances will take it to another level altogether and be certified as world records, the best that there has ever been. 

It's one thing to be able to run a mile, still another to be able to best others in a competition. But to do accomplish any athletic feat in a way that is faster or further or higher than any other person in recorded history is truly remarkable. Those records might stand for a day or a week or, in the case of Yuriy Sedykh and his hammer throw of 86.74 meters, for 31 years. That makes Sedykh the current world record holder for holding world records.

Of course not all records are made in the field of sports. There are markers for tallest building (Dubai's Burj Hhalifa at 2,716.5 feet), for longest bridge (China's Danyang-Kushan Grand bridge at 102.4 miles) and for deepest tunnel (Switzerland's Gotthard Base Tunnel reaches a depth of 2,300 meters). Many of those are achieved by advances in the state-of-the-art which enabled them to reach a superlative that was formerly out of reach. At the time, Gustav Eiffel's Tower was the tallest man-made structure in the world; now it is just another 81-story structure, not even as tall some of the apartment buildings surrounding Central Park.

But just as the Kardashians are famous for being famous, there is a whole set of records that exist for the sole purpose of being records. Civilization will not be advanced by putting a marker in the sand demarcating the most hula hoops ever spun at once or the largest serving of pancakes or the fastest motorized toilet. And yet those are all verified superlatives as compiled by the bible of such things, the Guinness Book of World Records.

If you have ever had dreams of being listed in that volume, it's likely that you consider your chance as the same as holding the world record in the pole vault (Mondo Duplantis at 20.18 feet). But as you might have gleaned from some of the aforementioned records, all the top spots are not necessarily achieved after years of training and practice. Yes, it does take determination, time and skills of a sort. But if you are dead set on holding the title for Most Socks Put On One Foot in 30 Seconds or Most Soft Toys Caught Blindfolded, Guinness has accreditors ready to look at the tape and pronounce you the best of the best.

And that's just what happened in Solihull England. Will Cutbill was enduring Britain's third pandemic related lockdown. With nothing but time on his hands, he opened a bag of M&M's and started putting one on top of the other. "I was in the living room, and I was incredibly bored and I just decided to see how many of them I could stack on top of each other," he told BirminghamLive. "I started thinking, I wonder if there's a world record for this, so I looked it up online and found out the most anyone had ever stacked was four."

Yup. Just four. But Cutbill, a civil engineer by trade, was a man with a mission. Sort of. "It's not something I would normally have taken the time to do - especially now that the sun is shining and the pubs are back open - but at the time, there wasn't much else to do so it seemed like time well spent." And in just a few hours he did it, besting the previous record jointly held by Silvio Sabba of Italy and Brendan Kelbie of Australia. "Five M&Ms doesn't sound like a lot, but it was near impossible to do so I was chuffed when I achieved it."

Chuffed indeed. So as the best in the world gather in Tokyo to swim the fastest and jump the highest, let Cutbill be an inspiration to each of us to reach for our personal best. Need a place to start? Leah Shutkever holds the current mark for fastest time to eat a burrito at 44.2 seconds. Do you have stuff (and stomach) to beat it?

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Marc Wollin of Bedford could medal in peanut butter cup eating. His column appears regularly in The Record-Review, The Scarsdale Inquirer and online at http://www.glancingaskance.blogspot.com/, as well as via Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.